


New Lease On Life

by RubyRebel



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ash Lynx Lives, Blood and Injury, Dark Past, Drug Use, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Family Secrets, Flashbacks, Hurt Eiji, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Crying, Making Love, New Life Together, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Ash Lynx, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Reunions, Self-Reflection, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love, Unresolved Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:15:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27085459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyRebel/pseuds/RubyRebel
Summary: Ash and Eiji are reunited after a long battle of Ash pushing the person he loves the most away, in an attempt to try and protect him from the violence inherently involved in his past lifestyle.  When he finally gives way to Eiji's persistent and unwavering affections, they must now face a final battle together, one with the shadowy villains that haunt their memories and thoughts.  Will they still have a chance at a new life together if they are dragging the chains of there trauma along with them?  Ash will soon discover Eiji's single most horrifying secret, and even the brilliant Lynx may not be able to save his beloved from a foe neither of them can actually see.ORWhat would Ash and Eiji's life look like if they finally got that chance together?  We all know Ash's past and the hurt he had to overcome in order stay alive in a world full of sickening antagonists, but what do we really know about Eiji's past?  This will take us on a journey of discovery, and answers many questions.Maybe Ash and Eiji have much more in common than we had all previously thought...and that's not necessarily a good thing.-Potective Ash Lynx Themes Throughout-
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 47
Kudos: 183





	1. A Forsaken Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Like all Banana Fish fans, I wanted to indulge in the concept of Ash having survived. But I also wanted to answer some serious questions about Eiji's past. 
> 
> Such as: Why doesn't Eiji seem to mind being away from his family in Japan? 
> 
> Yeah we've all heard about the sports injury, but is that really the whole story here...? Maybe Ash and Eiji have much more in common than we had all previously thought...
> 
> I also wanted the chance to show that Ash is strong enough to be there for Eiji too. And there relationship doesn't have to be one sided in that way. Ash isn't just some bad ass youth with a gun, he's a seriously intelligent, almost genius level academic, I think that means he would be emotionally intelligent as well. So I wanted to explore that aspect of their relationship.
> 
> Read on if you are looking to find out!!!

The deep vibrations from the bass echoing through the underground room created small ripples in the glass resting on the dingy table in front of him. He slouched over the tabletop, elbows propped up, and chin resting on a fist. The green and purple neon lighting in the clubby atmosphere of the establishment gave everything a surreal appearance. He watched as a few loners danced in pairs past the secluded table, and peered with distrust at the backs of those hunched over the bar across the room. 

The slim blonde seemed to be pondering something intensely, and continued to gaze down into the liquor in the glass. He furrowed his brows, then, as if he had made up his mind about who knows what, he grasped the glass and finished the rest of the dark liquid in one sip, wiping a sleeve across his lips to alleviate some of the residual burn. 

Ash Lynx rolled both shoulders, slid back into the faded leather of the booth he was situated in, and reached into one of his jacket pockets. He carefully unfolded a crumpled piece of paper and leaned forward to examine it in the very dim lighting. On the paper was an address and a name.

_Eiji._

He gritted his teeth, and smoothed the lines from the abused note. It had been five days since he had been released from the hospital. And a month since he had been stabbed outside the library, clutching another one of Eiji’s notes. He closed his eyes as memories of that day once again pervaded his thoughts. He couldn’t stop them. 

He once again re-experienced the elation and warmth that had surged through him at the heartfelt words contained in the letter. The feeling of helplessness as he realized that he needed to keep this person in his life if he were to have any reason left to live. Then the excruciating pain and shock that jolted through him along with the knife as it sliced into his flesh. 

When he had managed to stagger his way back into the library, as he had passed out on the table, he managed to achieve a sense of peace and acceptance of his fate. It had seemed fitting, that since Eiji was no longer in his life, and all his outstanding affairs were sorted, maybe he could finally rest...but he'd never had much luck. 

When he finally regained consciousness a few days later, in utter agony, he had cursed his body’s inability to die in the foulest ways possible. Even more so when he heard from Sing that Eiji was coming back to the states, after Max told him about the stabbing. 

He didn’t want this. Any of this. His life had never been his own, taken and used by others since he was a child. Even though the most prominent tormentors of his existence were dead, the idea that new ones wouldn’t rise up to replace them seemed unfathomable, and the last thing he would wish for, was Eiji to be pulled back into it. 

He couldn’t do much to stop any of it while he was bedridden, but he was at least able to forbid Eiji from coming to visit him. And that was exactly what he did. He told the hospital staff that he wasn’t allowed in the room, and then posted a few of his guys around the place so that if Eiji even came close, he would be turned away. 

It worked. But apparently it didn’t really deter the Japanese boy, he just kept coming back every day. Sending up food, flowers, or books via the guys to be dropped off in Ash’s room. When the day finally came for Ash to be discharged, Eiji dropped off the note with the address on it. Telling Kong, the one who delivered it to Ash, that he had no plans of leaving New York, and that he would be here for Ash whenever he decided he was ready to see him. 

He didn’t know if Eiji was here alone or if maybe Ibe had come back with him, but the address wasn’t for any hotel he knew of. In fact, all of this seemed pretty bold for Eiji. But Eiji was hardly the naive boy that who stepped foot into that bar to interview him so many months before. This was the Eiji that had stayed by his side through every gunfight, laid low in the same sketchy hideouts, and fought tooth and nail to get him back from Golzine. This was the Eiji that had been hardened by the streets of New York, just like Ash, and it didn’t seem like he was going to back down this time and hitch a plane ride-without at least seeing him face to face.

Ash mulled over this realization. He tapped his fingers to the rhythm of the music, playing so loudly that he was having trouble hearing his own thoughts. He closed his eyes and pictured the gentle eyes of the boy who had held him as he cried, and cradled his head in his lap. Then the blonde sighed deeply, resignation sinking into his bones, and delicately folded up the note that he had been fiddling with. 

If their relationship was ever to have any resolution, he would have to put his fear and caution aside. He owed this and more to Eiji, and Ash Lynx was not the kind of guy that didn’t pay his debts.

As he walked up the stairs from the bar out onto the street, soft coldness met his cheeks, and he pulled his jacket tighter, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Jade green eyes surveyed the snow laden sky above with apprehension. The snowflakes on his cheek melted instantly, and the wetness triggered the memory of the last tears he had shed, looking down at the crinkled and bloodied letter…

_...my soul is always with you._

__________

  
  


Ash finished climbing up the last steps to the second floor of the mediocre apartment complex. He shoved an elbow at the door and exited the stairwell, glancing back behind him, habits of years still ever present in his behaviors. There was no reason for anyone to be following him with Golzine dead, and peace having been made with Yut-Lung and Sing, but he couldn’t be too careful. If he led someone with ill intent to Eiji again, he would truly not be able to live with himself anymore, things were hard enough to accept as it. 

He stepped soundlessly down the hall and stopped in front of a worn wooden door that looked like it had seen better days. The blonde stood there for some time, chewing at his lip, hooded head angled down at his sneakers. He raised a hesitant fist and it hovered in the air, poised to make contact, and shaking imperceptibly, tremors ran through his unusually unsteady arm in anticipation. 

The stairwell door creaked open at the other end of the hall, and Ash whirled at the sound, hand reaching instinctively behind him for the gun nestled in the waistband of his jeans. But he froze in place, as he saw a familiar narrow figure topped with jet black hair emerge from the entrance. 

The individual had his back to Ash as he pulled the heavy metal door to the stairs shut behind him, and Ash inhaled sharply with unreleased tension as the face finally turned towards him. Then exhaled shakily, as the visage of the only person he had ever truly trusted-locked eyes with him. 

Eiji stopped dead. 

Neither of them moved, but Ash watched as Eiji’s warm, honey colored eyes widened, and then began to glisten, brimming instantly with unshed tears that could not be contained, even if the world were to come crashing down around them at this very moment. The other boy’s lips quivered, and only one word escaped, almost a whisper.

“...Ash…” 

In an instant, time moved from a standstill to a blur as both figures rushed towards each other in unison. 

Ash’s hood fell back as he collided with Eiji, revealing a tousled mess of brilliant blonde, his arms curling around the smaller boy in a mercilessly protective gesture of trust, affection, and relief. The lynx clutched the other boy’s head to his chest and found himself burying his face in the dark mess of hair that smelled of incense and flowery soap. 

Images of Eiji falling backwards as the bullet shot through his torso blazed through his mind’s eye. The moment that his eyes had closed as he lay bleeding out on the dirty concrete, his limp form cradled in the hospital bed, lifeless and pale. The tears streaming down his face as he had screamed for Ash to leave him at the hospital, the devotion and love in his voice as he had collapsed on the cold tiles, not once thinking about himself, only how he could keep Ash safe. 

Never once had he ever asked for anything from Ash, not once had he expected anything in return for the care and comfort he had offered. For the kindness, the understanding, the patience, or the acceptance. All of it had been given freely, without a second thought, without a moment’s hesitation…

“Ash….its ok...Ash....” 

Someone was crying, but Ash couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Quiet sobs, small gasps followed by trembling breaths. 

It was Aslan this time who opened tear soaked eyes, and raised his head to meet the gentle gaze of the boy whom he still held possessively in his arms. Eiji had one hand raised, palm against his now damp cheek, and his thumb ran gently across the skin, wiping away the tears as they fell.

Aslan pulled the smaller boy once again into a fierce hug, and Eiji wrapped his arms around him in kind. They stayed like that for longer than either of them would bother to count. It was completely natural, and came as easy as breathing. The bond that they shared went far beyond what average friendship encompassed, so much so that many of the people in Ash’s gang used to even whisper that they were a couple, but neither of them ever had time to pause and test the boundaries of their relationship. 

It was Eiji who finally moved first, he took Ash’s hand and led him towards the apartment, but not without first gracing the blonde with one of his heart fluttering smiles, and carefully wiping the rest of the tear streaks from the taller boy’s face.

The raven haired angel quietly unlocked the door to the modest apartment and pulled Ash inside. He was indeed an angel to Aslan. And there would never be anyone or anything that could convince him otherwise. Eiji was his guardian angel and he would give his own life to protect him in a heartbeat. Truly, there was nothing he would not give to keep this boy safe. 

Eiji grabbed his hand again and pulled him through the hall, past a small bathroom, the door to a bedroom, and then into a small living room. The Japanese boy tugged at his arm gently, pulling the still shocked Ash into a seated position on the lone sofa next to him. 

Ash glanced around in a daze, taking in the quaint room, decorated with some photographs here and there, and quite a few houseplants that were mostly nestled up against a tall window that took up a good portion of the wall. But all of this was observed as if he were in a dream, none of it actually seemed real. It was all too much, and he shook his head in both confusion and pent up frustration at his in-comprehensive state of mind.

Ash turned finally, almost afraid to look again at the boy beside him who was patiently waiting for the blonde to collect himself. Eiji made eye contact with him immediately, and before Ash could even stutter out a few words, the other boy enveloped him in a hug that left him feeling more breathless than if he had just been punched in the ribs.

“Eiji...how....” He almost choked on tears again, and then took a deep breath to steady his voice. “...what is this place? Are you here alone?” 

Eiji did not pull back from the embrace to respond, only nestled his head under Ash’s chin and squeezed him tighter. “Please don’t be angry, Ash…” He pulled back from the hug now, but took both of Ash’s still trembling hands in his own, looking up into the emerald eyes that were glittering with unsure emotions. 

The blonde blinked back both worry and affection, looking askance at Eiji. “I could never be mad at you about anything.” He gripped the other boy’s hands to confirm his sincerity. “What’s got you so worried?” 

Eiji looked down now at the carpet, he exhaled slowly. “I never want to be that far away from you again. Japan...will never feel like home. Once I met you, the only place I feel at home is when I am with you, Ash. I know I can’t control what happens to you, and I can’t force you to change the way you live your life, but I can be here, with you...this is where I belong now, there is no going back.” He closed his eyes tightly and for a moment it seemed like he might cry, but he remained composed. 

Eiji now released Ash’s hands and stood up from the couch. He slowly moved over to a chair and tossed his backpack onto it. He froze for a second, facing away from the blonde, shoulders moving up and down as if he was once again fighting the urge to break down. Then suddenly he turned and waved his hands in the air, bestowing Ash with a heart warming smile that was sweet enough to melt even the heart of a jaded motherfucker like the lynx on his worst days. 

“Do you like my new apartment?” Eiji spun in a circle and then plopped down onto the sofa, feigning confidence, and folding his arms over his chest, as if daring Ash to try and object or argue with him.

Ash was reeling now from the freshness of their reunion along with his growing understanding of Eiji’s words. He put a hand to his head and opened his mouth a few times, but nothing managed to come out. The lynx fell back into the cushions and just stared at the emboldened boy across from him. 

Where had the shy and nervous Eiji gone? The one that was so sheltered by the likes of people such as Ibe or Charlie, that one could hardly even picture him without one of them nearby. Come to think of it, had he ever really gotten to see Eiji in a setting that was not surrounded by violence, or without the protection of other people? 

But Eiji had never asked for anyone to treat him like a damsel in distress, everyone just simply took one look at him and gladly offered it, as if they were doing some sort of chivalrous favor that heaven would reward one day. 

Ash realized that the other boy was speaking again and tuned back into reality. “I got an internship as a photographer’s assistant. That’s how I was able to get the place...I know it's nothing too special. But I was thinking…” He pulled at his collar slightly, showing a trace of the more usual Eiji nervousness. “Maybe you could come visit sometimes? Only if you want of course...or you could stay too...anytime, for however long, or not-”

Eiji’s words were cut off as Ash lunged forward and smothered the sentence with his lips. The lynx had finally realized something. In a split second as he was listening to Eiji ramble awkwardly, and as his mind finally processed the events that had just taken place, a firm understanding of what he wanted, what he _needed_ , had taken hold of him.

Eiji’s eyes shot open wide and an sound of exclamation was uttered, turning quickly from surprise, and morphing into something more like a sigh. He melted into the kiss like Ash was fire and he was ice. The blonde encircled his waist and placed one hand delicately on the side of his face. Their mouths moved around each other, tasting the foriegn flavor of one another for a few blissful minutes that passed timelessly. It was neither of their first kiss, so once the initial shock ebbed, they both fell quickly into stride, meeting the pressure from the other equally. Tongues danced playfully and passionately as the fervor behind the kiss became more and more tangible and less surreal. This had been the indescribable tension building since their very first encounter, what seemed like a lifetime ago. 

It was natural, just like everything had been between them, just as the teasing nudges, the hugs, and the hand holding had been before this. This could never be wrong. It was finally the expression of all the repressed emotions from those nights they didn’t think they could possibly live through, or the torments they had suffered in unison. 

Ash eventually pulled back first, he rested his hands on Eiji’s shoulders and stared straight into his eyes. Green flames echoed in the depths of those eyes that had seen far too much. “Eiji...I want this...with you.” His lips trembled and the lynx’s dilated pupils seemed to expand even more from the sheer focus he was exerting finding the right words. “There was never a doubt in my mind during all of this, that this was how I felt. I used to wonder sometimes...about what things might be like if we were actually given a chance, if the killing could stop...if Golzine got a bullet in his brain…”

Ash sat back and covered his face with his hand, his shoulders shook, but he continued in a whisper. “I just never thought we would get this far.” The tears came again, trailing down the blonde’s face and dripping silently from his pale chin. 

Eiji gently covered the sides of Ash’s face with his palms, eyes moist and a ghost of a smile on his lips, one that contained both sadness and understanding. 

Ash finally removed the hand and took a deep inhale, clearing his throat. He furrowed his brows, appearing in an instant again to be the feared Ash Lynx with the amount of determination and passion in his gaze, like an emerald hurricane that would engulf anything in its wake. “When I read that letter...when I knew I was going to die. I understood.” 

He grabbed Eiji by the arms and pulled him towards him, hovering with his lips next to the other boy’s ear. “I love you.”

Aslan brought Eiji into his chest and rested his chin on the top of the boy’s head. He held him tightly, encircled him in the strength of his embrace. “Whether you want that love to be as friends or more is up to you, but I will never leave you again. You said forever and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He mumbled the last bit into the smaller boy’s neck.

Eiji let himself be pulled close, arms laying limply frozen at his sides in shock at the confession from the boy that was said to be untameable. Finally, as the words had a chance to fully register, he gripped the blonde tightly around the waist. 

“...I love you too, Ash.” He breathed out, and the tension that had been tightening like a bowstring finally snapped. 

Ash choked out a sound that sounded like a barely concealed sob, and they both somehow managed to hold on even tighter to each other, fingers clutching at the fabric of one another’s clothing. The tears flowed freely down both their cheeks, the dams that had been so strained finally broken. 

They both sobbed into the other’s shoulders until they’re voices were hoarse from thick waves of emotion that were gasping out between uneven breaths. It took a long time for the last ounces of tearful relief to be expelled. 

Eiji was rubbing soothing circles on Ash’s back when they finally pulled apart to look at their respectively wrecked partner’s faces. Ash had his hands tangled in the other boy’s hair. 

“You won’t turn me away anymore?” The Japanese boy asked ever so softly.

Ash shook his head. “You can make your own decisions. You decided to come here on your own, you chose to make this place your home. I can’t treat you like a naive little kid anymore. You know now more than anyone what this kind of life is like, and you still stayed.” 

Eiji smiled, and then he moved in close so that his face was only a breath away from Ash’s. Their eyes bore into each other’s souls. 

“Forever, then.” Eiji said, and then he moved forward and pressed a kiss to Ash’s lips. 

It was the softest, warmest, and most encompassing feeling of acceptance that Ash Lynx had ever experienced in his lifetime. 

He would never let go.


	2. Echoes of Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having settles into a routine, Ash and Eiji form a semblance of a normal life together. But it is not all rainbows and butterflies, even being with the person you love isn't enough to heal all wounds instantly...and perhaps time can't either.

Ash learned that Eiji had indeed actually moved from Japan on his own, refusing to be accompanied by Ibe or anyone else. He also told Ash that he had a very difficult time dealing with Max when he had first come back to the states, having to repeatedly tell him off when he tried to convince him to leave, Max saying that he should stay away if Ash wanted it that way. Eventually though, Max had given up trying to talk Eiji out of it when he realized how resolute the Japanese boy was in his decision. 

Ash stayed that night at Eiji’s.

They didn’t kiss anymore, holding one another was enough. They slept in Eiji’s bed together, falling asleep tangled in each other’s arms. Ash was not plagued by nightmares of any kind for once, and they both woke up to the sun streaming into the bedroom the next day, blissfully aware of the closeness between them, and the comfort found in their shared stares of affection from mutually drowsy eyes. 

Ash left later that day, needing to go inform the gang of Eiji’s return and take care of any business that might need to be handled. 

Eiji asked for some vacation time from work, then took it upon himself to clean the entire apartment and pick up some of Ash’s favorite foods so that when he returned, he could work on encouraging the blonde to eat some proper meals. Ash had grown even thinner than he already was in the time that it had taken him to return to Japan and during the time the gang leader had spent in the hospital. 

By the end of the next day, Eiji was growing concerned that something might have happened to Ash. He consoled himself with reminders that Ash would always have other things going on in his life that he would probably never be privy to, and that he would have to accept that. But doubt and worry still clung to the edges of his mind as he fussed with the plants, prepped a few meal ingredients for later, and then collapsed exhausted in the living room after having finished every task he could think of to keep his mind busy.

Thoughts of everything that had been left behind in Japan floated to the surface and he couldn’t help but grimace. He missed Ibe, and his sister, but besides them, there was no one else. He had no friends there, his relationship with his parents and other family was nonexistent, due to many reasons that he tried to forget on a daily basis. There was nothing there anymore for him, he had finally found something, _someone_ , that gave him a reason to want to be alive.

He had always struggled with depression, having tried to take his own life one three different occasions in the past. But despite what everyone else thought, what Ibe had thought when he had invited him to come to America, his depression did not stem from his failed athletic career as a pole vaulter. But it was much easier to let others draw those conclusions, and worked in his favor overall, as he wasn’t pressed for explanations this way. 

Eiji let the thoughts pass, he flipped on the TV to distract himself and closed his eyes, letting himself be numbed by the narrator's voice from a nature documentary. He knew that Ash would return, he would just have to be patient. After how long he had waited for him to be released from the hospital, this was nothing in comparison, honestly. 

__________

Ash shoved his hands into his pockets and reached for the handle of the door to the rundown apartment that his gang had been using as a gathering place. 

“Boss...you sure you don’t want a few of us to post up close by, just in case?” Bones said quietly.

Ash halted in front of the door and turned to look back at the ten or so gang members that were all grouped together on a couple of old couches that had been placed haphazardly around the room. 

“Nah, no one has any reason to be looking for Eiji anymore. You have the address now, come find me if anything comes up. When I’m not busy with stuff here, I’ll be there crashing there from now on.” He rested his hand on the doorknob, then added. “You guys did good while I was laid up, take some time for yourselves, just keep your eyes and ears open. I’ll be back in a couple of days.” 

Ash didn’t wait for a response, he quickly exited the apartment and began working his way down the dark streets to Eiji’s place, making sure with a few detours that no one was following him. 

When he arrived, he unlocked the door with the key that the Japanese boy had given him and silently entered, habits formed from years of needing to go unnoticed always present in his movements. 

He found Eiji asleep on the sofa, TV still on the nature channel. The raven haired boy was twisting around in his sleep, obviously disturbed by something he was dreaming about. Ash had never really watched Eiji sleep before, since he was always the one who got up early, and usually they passed out at the same time. The other boy had always been the one to comfort him when he awoke on those numerous nights, covered in sweat and screaming over things in the past that he could never forget. 

It upset him seeing that maybe Eiji also struggled with similar problems, and he had never noticed before. He wondered what kind of things haunted his dreams, what things he had never had time to learn about Eiji with the nonstop pace of their lifestyle while Golzine and Yut-Lung had hunted them. 

Ash turned off the TV and threw his coat on a chair, then maneuvered himself skillfully onto the couch behind Eiji’s head so that the other boy’s upper body was resting in his lap. 

Apparently not gently enough though, because Eiji shot up off the sofa and swung around, his whole body shrinking away from the contact with the unknown person that had woken him. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open, but no sound came out. 

“...Ash?” He muttered in surprise when he saw who it was that was sitting behind where he had just been laying. He rubbed a hand over an eye in confusion, but a smile was quickly spreading across his face.

Ash’s lips turned up slightly, but his eyes held concern. “I didn’t mean to wake you up…” He ruffled his blonde mop of hair awkwardly. 

Eiji looked down at his hands and clenched them closed a few times, the smile at Ash’s presence slowly faded and he seemed lost in thought, still not quite awake yet. 

Ash noticed the change, and reached out a hand for Eiji’s shoulder, but on contact, the other flinched away. The blonde quickly withdrew his hand, he had never known Eiji to shy away from his touch before, and his concern now blossomed into quiet worry. He leaned forward and tried to get Eiji’s attention with a small wave of his hand. 

“Eiji? Hey, you ok?” He waited, green eyes peering at the other boy questioningly. “Sorry it took so long, had to talk with the guys.” 

Eiji seemed to have returned to reality at Ash’s words, and quickly turned to the blonde, a grin spreading across his face. “Don’t apologize! It gave me time to clean and I also got to go shopping. C’mon! I’ll make dinner.” 

Eiji grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the couch and into the kitchen, completely ignoring the inquiry as to if he was ok. 

The rest of the night passed happily. Eiji cooked, and Ash teased him endlessly over little things. They laughed so much that night that both of them were exhausted by time that they passed out together in Eiji’s bed. They held each other again as they fell asleep, both more content they had been in a very long time. 

Ash did not forget however, how Eiji had acted that day. His mind still lingering over it as he held Eiji in his arms, the other already having passed out, quietly snoring. 

Eiji always seemed to be happy, even in the worst of situations. But that look on his face earlier, and his reaction to Ash’s touch, it spoke of another side of Eiji that he had never seen before. The other boy had always been there for him, listened to him talk about his past, held him when he cried, and Ash hoped that Eiji knew that he could be there for him too.

Ash had experienced a lot of unspeakable things in his life. Every kind of nameable abuse there was, at one point he had suffered it. But since he became accustomed to it, he had learned to live with it, found a way of building up his mental barriers in a way that still allowed him to function. He still had nightmares, flashbacks that he was unable to control, and memories that would never leave him for the rest of his life, but he had come to terms with these facts. All he could do was move forward and do his best to make his future a good one. He refused to let his new life be polluted by the remnants of things that people like Golzine had left him with. 

And Eiji was the only person he had ever opened up to about those things, he had spent many a sleepless night curled up in Eiji’s lap as the other boy listened to him recount the horrible things that had happened in his past. The other had never rejected him because of those things, had never shown disgust at the things he had done to survive. And he loved Eiji with every fiber of his being for that, amongst a great many other things. 

But the thought that there were possibly things that Eiji also suffered from that he had never shared with Ash, troubled him on a level that he couldn’t explain. 

Now that they didn’t have to live in fear anymore, and they finally had the chance to breathe, Ash would make it his mission to make sure that Eiji knew he could confide in him as well, that he didn’t have to be alone anymore. 

__________

Over the next couple of weeks, Ash and Eiji developed a routine. Ash would wake up in the morning and after Eiji cooked them both breakfast, he would leave to go deal with any issues with the gang. Most days he was able to come back quickly, but sometimes he would be gone until late. Eiji had to go back to work after the first few days, so he didn’t mind Ash’s absence during those periods of time. 

Eiji would usually return to find Ash reading or taking a nap in the living room. Words could not describe properly how much joy he felt when he walked in to see the famed lynx curled up on his couch like a sleepy kitten. 

Over the past few weeks, they had both by mutually silent agreement, not moved any farther with the physical aspect of their relationship. They did occasionally kiss and they always held each other, whether they were watching TV together on the couch, or when they went to sleep. But never more than that.

Eiji did not need more, he was happy with how things were. He knew the kinds of things that Ash had been through in the past, and had assumed that that aspect of their relationship may never go any farther, and he was fine with that. As long as Ash was in his life, it would be enough. 

For Ash though, he was afraid of pushing Eiji too far, for fear of the other boy being upset or offended. He loved Eiji deeply, and despite his trauma, he craved experiencing that kind of intimacy with someone that he actually desired. But he would never act on his feelings first.

Tonight when Eiji came home, he walked into the apartment to the smell of something burning. He dashed into the kitchen after dropping his things on the floor to find Ash standing in front of the stove with the oven open, peering at something through the thick smoke that he had obviously been trying to bake. 

The blonde turned and flashed Eiji with a horrified look, waving his hands in the air to try and clear some of the smoke. 

“Fuck! Just...stay over there...” 

Eiji stood dumbfounded for a split second, then erupted into hysterical laughter, arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to stifle the giggling. 

He continued snickering as Ash ran around the room opening windows, then proceeded to pull out a blackened mess in a casserole dish from the oven. 

The blonde loudly slammed the dish onto the top of the stove, then turned to Eiji and crossed his arms over his chest, a futilely frustrated look on his face. 

“Even I don’t think my cooking is that funny, asshole.” He threw his chin up into the air and turned his head away with an insulted huff. 

Eiji snickered again then walked up and pulled Ash into a hug, soothing away all of his annoyance with his embrace. “It's the thought that counts, Ash, thank you.” 

He placed a hand on the blonde’s cheek and planted a gentle kiss on the other’s lips. 

Ash’s eye widened, but he responded immediately by pressing up against Eiji and pulling the other’s waist closer with a hand on the small of his back. 

Ash had been becoming frustrated with his own growing need for further closeness in their relationship. Not frustration with Eiji, but with his own growing desire for intimacy. And it was becoming more obvious in the way that he engaged with Eiji physically. The kiss deepened and he pushed Eiji slowly back into the counter behind them, their bodies were now fully pushed against each other’s, and Ash had one hand now resting on Eiji’s hip, gripping it firmly as he nibbled at the shorter boy’s lower lip. 

Eiji breathed out something that sounded similar to a very soft moan, and this only encouraged Ash. The lynx trailed the hand that was on the Japanese boy’s hip up and under the hem of his shirt, fingers grazing the soft skin underneath until his palm was sliding up towards Eiji’s chest below the fabric. 

Eiji’s breath hitched and he pulled back, his pupils shrinking rapidly. He gripped the hand that Ash had under his shirt by the wrist and yanked it back. “Ash...stop…” He squirmed under the pressure of the blonde’s body against him and then crumpled down to the floor, arms over his head and knees folding up towards his chest. 

Ash jumped back as he watched Eiji fall to the floor. He stared down at the other boy with wide eyes, hands falling to his sides, and guilt welling up in his gut like a flash flood that threatened to overcome him completely. 

Eiji was breathing hurriedly now, quick uneven pants that sounded like they were laced with the beginnings of tears. Ash couldn’t see his face, hidden behind his arms, but he knew that he had fucked up big time. Something was very clearly not right, and he wasn’t sure if he was the cause or if there was more going on here that he was unaware of. Eiji had always seemed comfortable with him, never afraid or hesitant. 

This kind of reaction to skin on skin contact could be the result of only a few things. One of those things was something that Ash was all too familiar with, but he dared not assume the worst. He exhaled sharply, having processed this all in the course of a few seconds. 

Ash crouched down next to Eiji. He knew not to risk upsetting the other boy more by initiating any kind of physical contact. So he maintained a small distance between them and quietly tried to coax the other back into the present moment. 

“Eiji...hey...its me, it's just me...are you ok? Can you hear me?” He observed Eiji’s position with growing concern. 

The smaller boy had completely curled up on himself and his breathing was still labored. His head was down on his knees and his arms were wrapped around himself protectively. He was shaking now, and the tremors wracked his narrow shoulders. 

  
  


Ash made a concerned noise, and slid a little bit closer, movements slow and calculated. “Deep breaths, slow down. You’re safe here, I won’t let anything hurt you.” 

Eiji made a small whimper and the sounds of him trying to slow his ragged inhales filled the otherwise silent room painfully. After a few moments the rate of his breaths decreased slightly, but the shaking continued unabated. 

Ash furrowed his eyebrows, but noticed the small change. He wanted to comfort him, but did not want to make any unannounced movements. “I’m sorry...I went too far, I should have asked.” Ash was mentally berating himself, he felt like he was just some sleaze who had tried to take advantage of someone’s innocence. 

He knew deep down that it was more than likely not that Eiji was scared of him, or that he didn’t feel the same attraction, but Ash couldn’t help himself from feeling dirty for having upset the other so badly. Ash knew that from now on he would have to be very careful if he made any advances of any kind. He wasn't even sure right now if that would ever be possible again, with how messed up Eiji was from his first attempt at any real intimate contact besides kissing. 

What had caused him to be so scared of touch?

Ash’s stomach churned with ominous thoughts that were beginning to rise up in his mind. He quickly silenced them, not wanting to make any assumptions until he had a real explanation. Right now, he just needed to focus on talking the other boy down.

Eiji was now breathing more slowly, though Ash could now tell that he was crying, the muffled sounds made his heart hurt. 

“Eiji...can I come over, please?” He asked without any hint of frustration in his voice. He wanted Eiji to feel like he had the option to say no, not to feel pressured one way or the other. “You can say no, I won’t be upset, I promise.” Ash was still crouched a foot or so away, arms resting on his knees. 

Eiji shook his head a few times, face still hidden. Then after a moment he seemed to realize that the motion did not give much of a clear answer, and managed to squeeze out an almost inaudible response. “Yes…” 

Ash didn’t need any more convincing, he was at Eiji’s side in an instant, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into his chest as he sat down on the kitchen floor. He laid a comforting hand on Eiji’s head and held him silently, letting the trembling gradually dissipate. The other felt fragile in this position, and it only made him even more concerned. Eiji had always been so positive and open, it was shocking to see him reduced to this level of fear. 

“Shh...I’ve got you...you’re safe, it's ok…” Ash continued to utter plaintiffs into Eiji’s ear until the episode finally seemed to have reached a conclusion of sorts, the sobs having died off, all that remained was quiet sniffling and irregularly twitching muscles.

Eiji finally moved now, raising a tear stained face with reddened eyes that looked like they probably hurt from the strain of crying for so long. He wiped them with a sleeve and lowered his knees slightly, but refused to meet Ash’s eyes, choosing instead to look across the room at the wall. 

Ash continued to hold him, not wanting to let him go just because the other boy was a bit calmer. He was going to get to the bottom of this, and if it was what he feared...he would be putting a bullet in someone’s skull before the night was over. 

Ash frowned and gently turned Eiji’s gaze back to him by delicately guiding the other boy’s chin with his slender fingers. When their eyes met, his piercing green eyes pinned the amber orbs on the spot with their intensity, allowing for no room to escape an explanation. 

“You know you can tell me anything, Eiji. What happened?” 

Eiji closed his eyes in order to avoid that blazing gaze any longer. “Sorry...” He murmured the word and it sounded like it was being spoken underwater. “It's not that I don’t want that with you. I didn’t think something like that would happen...at least not with you.” He examined the tiles beneath them carefully, but made no move to pull away from the embrace that the taller boy had him wrapped in. 

Ash spoke again, his tone was dripping with gentleness, but the next words allowed no room for objection. He was not going to let this pass without getting to the heart of things.

“It's alright, I’m not angry, just really worried about you...but that’s still not an answer. What triggered this?” 

Eiji shook his head, then unwound himself carefully from Ash’s arms. He started to stand on wobbly legs and Ash stood up with him, placing a steadying hand on his arm. 

“Easy, just take it slow...how do you feel?” Ash watched him carefully, waiting for a response.

Eiji stood there frozen for a moment after he reached his feet, he shook Ash’s arm off, turned quickly, then darted out of the room.

Ash blinked in surprise, but quickly ran after him. He hadn’t expected it to be easy to get a clear explanation from Eiji, but he also hadn’t expected to be avoided like this. This was raising all kinds of glaring red flags in his mind. All of it was so unlike Eiji. Ash was beginning to feel sick over the implications. He wasn’t born yesterday, he could connect the dots. 

Ash followed Eiji down the hall only to have the bathroom door shut in his face. He heard the lock click, and then the water started running in the sink. Ash rapped a few times on the door with a fist. Loud enough to be heard, but not aggressively. He tried the handle, but it was still locked. The lynx waited for a few more minutes, then began losing his composure.

“Eiji...you’re scaring me. I don’t wanna upset you...but if you don’t say something soon or unlock the door, I’m gonna kick this open.” He really didn’t wanna force it, but he was starting to think it might be dangerous if Eiji was alone right now. He had yet to hear any noise from inside the bathroom. 

Ash finally heard movement on the other side of the door. He saw shadows under the door and then a voice came quietly through the wood that Ash had been pressing his ear against. 

“...I need to be alone for a little while, sorry.” The sink was turned off and then there was the sound of someone sliding down the door, Ash could see the shadow from Eiji having sat down on the floor. “I’m sorry that you had to see that, you deserve better, Ash…” Eiji mumbled the last part quietly. 

Ash sat down on the opposite side of the door as well so he could hear the other boy better, their backs now only separated by the couple inches of wood between them.

“Don’t ever say that. You’re the only one I want, Eiji.” Ash tilted his head back against the door. He sighed deeply and shook his head. “...you don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to...I get it.”

There was an audible rustling noise as Eiji shifted his weight hearing Ash’s words. “...ok.” 

Ash accepted the acknowledgment silently. Then a realization dawned on him that made him come close to gagging on the spot with the revulsion that rose up in his throat. Memories floated up in his mind. 

He had been trying to pinpoint what he could have missed during all the time that he and Eiji had spent together. What subtle cues he had overlooked, or when Eiji might have been exposed to the wrong kind of people. 

His mind had eventually settled on only one possibility.

He swallowed, but forced out the words. “Eiji…” He said softly. “Was it...was it Dino?” 

Eiji shifted again, but he responded quickly this time. “No...almost, but he didn’t get the chance.” 

Ash wanted to rip the already dead man’s head open with a cleaver, but he kept the malice from carrying over into his tone as best he could. Clenching his fists instead until his knuckles were white. “‘Almost is bad enough, Eiji.” 

Eiji could be heard sighing now, a sharp exhale. “...listen to me, Ash. What happened has nothing to do with Dino.” 

Ash heard the Japanese boy scooting up from the floor, and he stood along with him, sliding up the door and turning to rest his forehead against the wall that was still separating them. He just wanted to hold the other in his arms, to do something, _anything_. But he was loath to push too far. Right now he had Eiji talking at least. If Eiji needed to hide behind a door to do that, then the blonde would put up with it...for now. 

The other spoke again now, ever so quietly that Ash strained to decipher the words. 

“This isn't anything new. And _no_ , I don’t wanna talk about it.” Eiji enunciated the ‘no’ heavily, putting a decent amount of force behind the word. 

Ash saw the door handle flip, and he stepped back, hoping the other was about to come out so he didn’t end up having to replace the door. 

“If I come out can we be done with this? I’m tired, I just wanna go to bed and forget this ever happened. Please, Ash...” 

Ash’s already scowling face contorted in frustration, luckily, Eiji couldn’t see him right now. He didn’t think it was healthy to pretend this never happened. He needed to understand so he could avoid possibly upsetting Eiji inadvertently in the future. And a part of him also feared that maybe the only reason the other boy didn’t want to talk about it was because he didn’t feel safe with him. Which almost frightened Ash more than all of the other shit that had happened tonight.

“...if that’s what you need. Now c’mon.” Ash conceded, and tried an experimental twist of the door knob. It opened this time, inside, a stone faced Eiji stood with his arms at his sides, glaring at Ash as if he was somehow the one acting strange.

Ash hesitated for a moment, then walked forward and pulled Eiji into an embrace. The other boy's body was stiff at first, but it softened at the gentle act and he leaned into Ash, silently accepting the comfort. 

“You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide from me. You’ve seen me at my worst...and you still chose to love me. There’s nothing you could do or say that would stop me loving you, Eiji.” The blonde mumbled the words into the shorter boy’s hair. “...I can be here for you too, you know, it goes both ways. You don’t always have to deal with everything on your own...that’s something you taught me.” 

Eiji squirmed slightly at the words, but didn’t pull away, choosing to accept the support in silence. He let Ash hold him for a bit longer, then carefully extracted himself and tugged on the blonde’s sleeve, looking at the floor. “Let’s go to bed.” 

Ash had begrudgingly accepted the fact that it was probably best to not press anymore until they both got some rest, so he let the other boy lead him to the bedroom by the hand. They both changed and climbed under the blankets. Ash pulled Eiji so that his head was resting on his chest. He ran his fingers through the tousled black locks, something he had learned was extremely comforting from having Eiji do it to him. 

It didn’t take long for the older boy to fall asleep this way, arms wrapped around Ash’s waist, and one leg draped over the blonde’s lower half. 

Ash lay there awake for some time, still playing with the inky mess of hair, and pondering things as he stared up at the ceiling. He had been wanting to be there for Eiji, wanted to know more about what went on in the other boy’s mind. He was disturbed that something like this could have been hidden from him during the entirety of their relationship. Were there more secrets that had yet to rise to the surface? Had he been wrong to assume he knew Eiji so well? 

Really though it wasn’t surprising, they had never even had a chance to breath before, always on the run. It wasn’t really that odd something like this had never come up. And Eiji was not the type to put his problems on other people. Ash had always thought that it was because Eiji didn’t have many of them...but he was wrong. There was a lot more below the bright, smiling exterior that Eiji presented to the world. Ash reflected that it really wasn’t much different then how he himself kept everyone at arm’s length through intimidation, coldness, and feigned arrogance. 

They had even more in common than he thought. If only having things in common with the lynx was a good thing, then that would be nice, but no, life was not so kind. Ash drifted off as these cynical thoughts monopolized his consciousness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if I should continue this, I've got some other stories I need to keep up with as well, and I don't want to start a whole new one if this isn't to anyone's liking LOL 
> 
> Much love and many thanks! <3


	3. Let Me Tell You Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji finally opens up about his past, Ash struggles with his anger and grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***
> 
> Retelling of past abuse.

Ash awoke to a shrill scream from somewhere near his shoulder, he shot up from the bed and turned to see Eiji with all the blankets wrapped taught around him, hands gripping the edge of a pillowcase like a vice, and legs kicking out at the air. He gently grabbed Eiji’s shoulders and turned him to that he was laying flat on his back and began tapping his cheek with a hand and stroking his hair with the other.   
  


“Eiji...hey...wake up, I’m here, you’re ok…” Ash did his best to use a soothing tone, but having been woken up to such a heart wrenching sound really had him on edge, and his hair was standing on end. 

Eiji opened his eyes and his pupils darted around the room, before finally settling on Ash’s face, which was only a foot or so away from him, as he was still leaning over the other boy with frightened concern for Eiji’s well-being. 

Eiji’s eyes slowly opened, his forehead was beaded with sweat, and he was shaking violently. His eyes darted around the room and eventually settled on Ash’s face, and then they closed again, seeming to have ascertained where he was, and that he was safe, Eiji fell back limply into the bed and started taking deep breaths, though his limbs still fluttered lightly with tremors. 

Ash slumped to the side and relaxed his grip on Eiji’s shoulders. He watched his partner with the eyes of a hawk, narrowed at the rise and fall of Eiji’s chest, as if those lungs would somehow cease to fill and he would once again be in danger of losing the one that he loved. 

Eiji exhaled again roughly, as if there was a catch in the back of his throat. After a moment, he sat up and looked sideways at Ash, who still looked truly almost more shaken then Eiji. The dark haired boy exhaled loudly, as if releasing the rest of his tension. He very quietly and slowly scooted over next to the blonde, and simply curled up so that his upper body rested in Ash’s lap, his head against the taller boy’s abdomen, and eyes once again closed. 

Ash looked down at Eiji in surprise, but without any hesitation wrapped Eiji up in his arms and cupped the side of his smooth face with a hand, stroking the soft skin with his thumb. He allowed Eiji some blessed silence, deciding questions right now would just disturb the peace that the other boy needed. 

There was a very faint blue light peeking through the thin, off-white curtains that hung over the bedroom window, and the many small potted plants that rested on the sill were illuminated by the dimly lit backdrop the pale and distant haze of morning provided. 

Ash hadn’t realized how close to sunrise it was, and he felt utterly exhausted, as if he had really slept all night. Perhaps a sixth sense had kept him from reaching a deep sleep due to Eiji’s very obviously upset state of mind. He was sure that this was all the result of the episode yesterday, but he still didn’t know exactly what was the source of Eiji’s reaction to his touch...and he was still unsure if Eiji was lying about his experiences with Dino before Ash had been able to rescue him. Ash mentally gutted Golzine a few times in him mind, envisioning the most bloody and painful evicerasions he could come up with on the spot, all the while still calmly stroking Eiji’s cheek, and maintaining a relaxed composure as he watched the light in the window evolve to a brighter hue. 

Ash’s concern continued to grow, Eiji remained motionless, face buried in the blonde’s tank top. It finally occurred to Ash just now, that it was slightly unusual for neither of them ever have removed their clothes when they slept together, not even their tops. Perhaps it was because of the respect they shared for one another’s bodies, or because both of them had been mutually worried about crossing that line, but Ash was beginning to think this was just another example of what he had been concluding yesterday. His insides cramped with worry and anger. But there was little he could do to help if Eiji never opened up to him. This soft spoken boy that he loved so dearly, was much tougher than he appeared on the outside. A much more difficult mind to crack than he had previously thought. On one side, it angered Ash slightly, he felt locked out from where he felt he deserved to be, but the lynx of all people knew how hard trust was to develop, even when given every reason to trust Eiji, he had still found doubt rooted in his gut in the best of moments. And it all came from a life full of betrayal and hurt...but then where had that betrayal and hurt happened in Eiji’s life? 

He needed to know, but also...was digging around for that really what was best for Eiji? Ash was no idiot, in fact, he was what most would consider a genius for his age, but when it came to Eiji, his self-assuredness seemed to waver in fear of causing any more hurt to the one he loved. 

All these things he turned over in his mind, as the sun rose, eventually peeking over the skyline of oddly shaped rooftops on the buildings next door to them. Eiji’s behavior, or rather lack of, had remained unchanged. 

Quite unexpectedly, Ash was startled out of his reveries by a quiet voice coming from his lap “...did you know that you’re the first person I’ve ever been with?” Eiji’s slightly hoarse voice floated through the room almost inaudibly. Ash peered down at the smaller boy, listening intently. “That kiss was my first...its really overwhelming, and I...I’m not sure if I like it….its stupid to say out loud, but it scares me.” 

Eiji grabbed a corner of Ash’s black tank in a fist gently, twisting it around distractedly. Ash ran a few fingers through his dark hair gently, choosing to remain silent and let him speak uninterrupted. “...it's not that I'm scared of you, or that I don’t want to be with you that way, I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. You have to believe that.”

“I do believe that, I know that, Eiji.” Ash reassured quietly, but didn’t say anymore, for fear of stopping Eiji from continuing this train of thought.

“...but...I’ve been with other people that I don’t think really count.” He twisted Ash’s shirt tighter and closed his eyes tightly, pressing his face farther into the blonde’s stomach, which slightly muffled his next words. “... I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted you to be the first, and you are! The first one I’ve loved, the first one I’ve wanted. That counts right...?” 

Ash knew it would be a bad idea to react dramatically right now, so he simply took Eiji’s hand that was clenched around his shirt and slowly slid his fingers between the other boys and gripped them tightly, reassuring him with his touch that he agreed with him. “Yes. You know that I would never judge you for something like that, Eiji….you’re the first one that counts for me too...I understand.” He squeezed Eiji’s hand tightly, and placed his other free hand over the top of the other boy’s head, and exhaled the remnants of the breath he had been holding. 

There was a seething rage welling inside of Ash, and a very deep sadness that was threatening to overwhelm him. Finally having confirmation, however vague, from Eiji directly, was unsurprising at this point, but having it now cemented, was a bit much for him to handle. To think that all this time that he had been able to lean on Eiji regarding the abuse he had suffered, that Eiji was keeping the same kind of hurt locked up inside, who knows if he had ever told anyone before in his life. If he had such a hard time letting even Ash in that much, there was very little chance anyone else had ever come that close. Ash felt both honored and aggrieved to have been chosen to know such details of his lover’s life. 

Eiji shifted and wrapped his arms around Ash’s waist, face still smashed up against the taller boy’s stomach. “I’m sorry for not telling you...it just never came up, there was so much going on...and you’ve been through so much, Ash...it's wrong to make you baby me when you’re dealing with all of that. I want to be here for you, and I keep falling apart...I’m sorry.” 

Eiji was definitely crying now, Ash could feel the wetness seeping through the thin shirt onto his skin. He just brought the other boy closer, pulling the rest of his upper body up against his chest, so that Eiji was now sitting mostly in his lap, with his head now resting in the crook of the lynx’ neck. He cradled the back of Eiji’s head with his hand. “Shh...don’t apologize anymore for things you can’t control. None of this is your fault, Eiji.”

Eiji remained silent for some time, and the tension was palpable, as if there was something in the air building to a climax. The morning sun had started streaming into the room, and outlined their entangled mess of limbs. Ash was contemplating if he may have said something wrong, but then as if a damn broke, Eiji’s whispered words against the now tear stained blonde’s neck broke the quiet. 

They were soft at first, even timid, but as he spoke, they grew colder.

“...the first time he touched me...I was six years old. I don’t remember much, I just know that I...liked it. I liked the attention, and being told that I was important. It made me feel special. So I kept it a secret, like he asked. No one in my family noticed anyway, that kind of stuff doesn’t happen in my country, or at least when it does, it doesn’t get talked about.”

Ash kept quiet.

“As I got older, it started to happen more often...and I went along with it...until the first time that it became more than just touching...” Eiji stopped, he exhaled sharply, but continued, squeezing Ash’s hand hard now. “...After that, I knew what was happening wasn’t normal anymore, and I did everything I could to avoid him, but I was still too scared to tell anyone...I was afraid that if I did, I would be blamed for it all, that it would be my fault. So he still managed to corner me, and it just kept happening. That kept up until I was twelve.” 

Ash buried his face in Eiji’s hair and nodded ever so slightly so that the other boy knew he was still listening. 

“...A few months after my twelfth birthday, he tried again, this time I fought him...but I wasn't strong enough yet to really stop him.” Eiji’s voice hardened and grew emotionless, as if he was completely detached from the narrative coming from his own mouth. “Then he told me...that if I kept fighting, my sister could take my place instead, that he’d rather have her, because I was so bad at it and ugly anyway, that he should’ve picked her back then.”

Despite the change in Eiji’s tone, Ash once again began to feel wetness running down his neck from the tears which had started up again. He clenched the dark haired boy’s hand in a deathgrip and held him close. 

“...my Mom was always gone at work, and my sister was the most important person in the world to me. I loved her more than anyone else. I didn’t have friends, she was everything to me...and he knew that.” He was shaking again now. 

Ash now found that he had tears beginning to form in the corners of his own eyes now as well.

Despite how shaky his tone was becoming, Eiji gave it one final push and managed to blurt out the last of his story between what were morphing into very quiet sobs against Ash’s neck. 

“...so I let him. I did whatever he wanted, all because I was terrified that he would hurt my sister. No matter what, I had to let him have his way. I wanted to tell someone, and I almost did so many times, but that would disgrace my Mother, tear our family apart. And what would they think of me, how pathetic I was?” He shuddered. 

Eiji made a visible effort to stop shaking. Then almost too fast to follow, he finished the explanation with a few quick sentences. “Well...anyway, he died from a heart attack when I was fifteen, so that was it...and the rest you already know.” He spit out the last parts as if trying to cover up the rest of what he had just entrusted Ash with, and an awkward silence fell. 

Ash felt how painful the quiet was and immediately wrapped Eiji up in his arms, a deathgrip that was both comforting and distracting. He then planted his face in the dark mop of hair and kissed the top of the other boy’s head. 

“Eiji...I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.” Ash murmured into his ear. There were tears now streaming down his cheeks, and he had the fight the urge to break down as well. This was all too relatable and too close to home, he was having a hard time keeping it together himself, as memories from the not so distant past were resurfacing. “You are not pathetic or weak because of what happened. None of that is your fault...I know you don’t believe me, but this is not-your-fault.” He emphasized every word, trying his very best to get the other boy’s attention with the enunciation. 

If there was one thing in life Ash knew how to do, it was how to cope. And if he had allowed himself to believe that all the horrible things that had happened to him were the result of his own actions, and blamed himself, then he never would have had the courage to keep going. He would not sit by and watch the one person he loved most in the world tortue himself with this idea, this shame, and this guilt. It would destroy Eiji eventually if it went unchecked, and it wouldn’t matter how much Ash loved him then, the guilt would keep them eternally separated by an invisible barrier of pain and unresolved emotional repression. 

The blonde felt Eiji shake his head slightly, but he didn’t outright object to what Ash was saying. He probably knew better than to argue this with him, even if he didn’t quite believe it himself. Eiji’s body, which had been shaking steadily through his confession, had ceased all movement, and was now just resting limply in Ash’s arms, most of his weight pressed up against the taller boy’s chest. 

Ash needed to know he had been heard, he also desperately needed Eiji to know that he hadn’t done anything wrong, that he wasn’t less than or dirty for having finally opened up about his past. The lynx ever so carefully took a hand and turned Eiji’s head so that their eyes met. 

“Please...look at me, Eiji.” When their similarly red eyes finally met, Ash could see the depth of pain, despair, and shame displayed without filter in his partner’s obsidian spheres. Windows into the memories that he had no doubt been reliving as he had shared the sordid details of his abuse. Ash felt the very last shred of control he had leave him. The tears started up again full force. He found himself swept back into his own past, when he had first had the courage to confide in Eiji the many things he had endured in his lifetime. How raw and frayed his emotions had been, as if someone had been rubbing the fabric of his soul on the rocky concrete sidewalks that he had walked all his life. 

Ash didn’t want Eiji to feel that, but he also knew that it was an unavoidable aftereffect of retelling something so personal and painful. Sharing something that was locked away for so long, even if it was with the only person in the world that one trusted, was bound to come with some severe side effects. Ash knew that he could not even leave Eiji alone for a second today, for fear of him catapulting himself into a deep depression...or doing something even more reckless, which he didn’t even want to contemplate. 

The lynx was very well educated, well read, and incredibly experienced in the psychological processes of the human mind. He was no therapist, but having had to be his own therapist for most of his life, having suffered the same kind of trauma, and also having made a point to study such things in what free time he had, resulted in being very well aware of the magnitude of issues they were going to have to work through together. 

Eiji had obviously never processed any of the abuse, and if he had never even told anyone before, it was going to be a hell of a rough ride for at least the next week or two. 

Ash vowed in that instant of realization, that he would not for any reason let Eiji out of his sight. 

Eiji jet black pupils were still fixated on Ash’s, there was utter exhausting evident in them. He had obviously been fighting internally with himself since last night whether he should, or  _ could  _ tell Ash what had been behind that episode. 

There were so many things that Ash had expected the other boy to say, like another series of shameful “I’m sorry”’s, but instead he cupped Ash’s face between his still trembling hands and whispered-“Thank you…” He then wrapped his arms around Ash’s neck and squeezed so hard that the lynx thought he might suffocate. “...for loving me.” The last bit he murmured into the blonde’s ear, so quietly that if he hadn’t been so close, there was no chance Ash would’ve been able to catch it. 

Ash held him.

They stayed like that for longer than either of them were able to measure. Lost in their own pasts and unsure of the future, except for the knowledge that no matter what happened, they would have each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the many comments and encouragement to continue this story. Much love and thanks for reading. I know this is dark, but I hope you all hang in there for the comfort and resolution of these heavily angsty chapters.
> 
> Please let me know what you think in the comments! <3


	4. Healing Can Be Bloody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash does his best to comfort Eiji after his confession regarding his past, but self-destruction may get the better of them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***
> 
> Depictions of self-harm aftermath.
> 
> Drug use.

Eiji sat forlornly on the edge of the bed as Ash slowly pulled aside the curtains of the bedroom window, letting the now late morning light in. It streamed in and filled the rest of the room with a brightness that was almost harsh on the eyes, but it was a good feeling, as if the light was washing away the dark thoughts that had filled the air around them for the past few hours. 

Eiji was fixated on the cracks in the wood floor, as if they had the answers to all his questions. He was still deep in the waves of a severe emotional hangover. He had never thought he would be able to tell anyone the secret he had kept his entire life. But after the episode the other night, he had to face the fact that his father’s abuse still lived in his body. Even if all he wanted was to move on, the physical parts of himself still carried the remnants of it, and there were still visceral reactions to certain stimuli that he couldn’t control. He hadn’t known until now that it would ever affect an intimate relationship, but when he thought about it, it did make sense. There was no way that his body would know the difference between a loving touch, and a painful one, since he had never had a sexual relationship with anyone of his choosing before. 

He mulled over all of this with still a good deal of residual shame and guilt, pondering how he was even more of a burden to Ash now than he must’ve been back when they were evading Giolzine. One some level he knew that Ash would never think that, but he also doubted that there had to be a part of Ash that did view this as an irritating obstacle between the physical aspects of their relationship. Ash seemed to be able to interact with him intimately, and the lynx had suffered even more abuse in his lifetime than Eiji had, so why was he still so weak? He needed to get over this fast, before Ash gave up on him completely. 

This fear began to grow in the pit of his stomach like a quickly blossoming flower of crippling anxiety. “...Ash…”

Ash was still reeling from everything that he had heard. He was in a state of shock, worry, anger, and sadness. It would be easier if there was some kind of living person for him to exact his rage on, take some kind of just revenge in Eiji’s name, but the man who he so desired to maim was already dead-and even if he wasn’t, Eiji wouldn’t have wanted him to stoop to violence just for his sake. 

He was thrown out of his thoughts by his name being called softly. He turned quickly and walked over to where Eiji was perched on the mattress, and knelt down in front of him, taking the other boy’s still unsteady hand in his own and meeting his dark eyes with a gentle gaze that showed both compassion and understanding. “I’m here.” 

Eiji peered down at him with a mix of undisguised guilt and gratefulness. “...please don’t leave me.” He hung his head in shame. 

Ash placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed tightly. “Never.” He said firmly. There was so much more that he wanted to say, but now was not the time, he didn’t want to overwhelm Eiji with more right now, so he kept it simple. 

  
  


Ash stood up after a bit and began wrapping Eiji up in a blanket that had been draped over the foot of the bed. “Now c’mon, I’m gonna make you breakfast.” 

He took Eiji’s hand that was peeking out from under the hem of the blanket and led him slowly out of the bedroom, through the living room, and into the small kitchen. He ever so gently navigated them over to the counter that divided the room from the dining area, and then without hesitation, swept Eiji off of the ground and slid him up onto the countertop so that he was seated facing the stove. 

“...Ash!” Eiji exclaimed, though it was still also a whisper. He had been pulled out of his rather sullen reflection by the blonde’s effortless maneuvering of him, and his cheeks had turned a shade darker as well. Ash had always been incredibly strong, but he still hadn’t expected that.

“Hm?” The blonde’s blue eyes were still filled with a shade of sadness, but now they held a slight hint of mischief as well. “Well I’m not gonna leave you alone right now, and I wasn’t gonna just let you stand there either.” 

Ash rested his hand on the side of Eiji’s face for a moment, then after a small smile turned and began rifling through the fridge and the cabinets, after a few moments of watching him, it became apparent to Eiji that he was going to make eggs. He sat quietly on the counter and pulled the blanket closer around him, content for the moment to just sit in the silence. And watch Ash go through the motions of scrambling the eggs and pouring them into the pan. 

Ash occasionally glanced over his shoulder, each time checking to make sure that Eiji was still indeed there, he had still yet to say anything and it was only feeding the worry that had been growing steadily since Eiji had woken that morning in a fit of screams. The other boy was always so gentle, so quiet, always seeming in control, but today had thrown all of those expectations out the window. He wondered what other kind of surprises Eiji had buried beneath the surface.

A clank to his right caused him to once again look over to ascertain that Eiji was still in the same position, but he found the countertop empty, and instead saw that the other boy was rifling through a cabinet above the fridge, standing on his tiptoes to try and reach whatever was hidden from sight. 

Ash was about to go over and help, but then the smell of almost burnt eggs caught his attention and he had to hurry and scrape them out onto the plates he had laid out before they browned too much. When he finally turned back around, Eiji was once again seated on the edge of the counter behind him, swaddled in the blanket, but sipping out of a black glass bottle with what could only be Japanese characters on it. 

Eiji’s eyes met Ash’s and he smiled slightly, and offered the bottle to the blonde, cocking his head to the side and shrugging his shoulders. The boy was able to communicate so much of his mood without words. 

Ash turned off the stove and walked over, snatching the bottle gently, but quickly from Eiji’s hand and took a whiff of the contents. He was both surprised and yet not that it was indeed sake. He was unsurprised because he would probably have done something similar in Eiji’s position and mindset, but also still shocked because it was so out of context. 

Ash placed the bottle on the counter by the stove and walked back over so that he was standing right in front of Eiji, and gave him a long stare. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

Eiji actually rolled his eyes. “I’m not a child, Ash.” He pulled the blanket closer around him and stuck one hand out from the folds and gestured at the bottle as if he actually expected the blonde to just cave and give it back to him. 

“Then eat something instead, it's ten AM, Eiji.” Ash raised an eyebrow at him, almost amused, and then proceeded to ignore the expecting hand and carry out the plates with the eggs to the table. He heard Eiji sigh deeply behind him, then a soft thump as the other boy followed him into the small dining area and plopped himself into the closest chair with a plate in front of it. 

Ash sat down in the other chair next to him and started to eat some of the eggs, which were actually not half bad, but continued to watch Eiji carefully between mouthfuls. He did eat a couple bites, looking at the lumps on his fork with complete disinterest, but obviously unwilling to turn it down completely because Ash had made it for him. 

Eiji eventually settled back into the chair and stared out the window across the table, the curtains had been left open last night, so the city was viewable through the slightly dirty glass. He appeared to be watching the laundry fluttering in the wind over on the next rooftop over, but Ash knew better. He was most definitely still replaying events from the past in his head. The lynx was plenty smart enough to know that if it kept up it would only result in another meltdown, so he pondered what he could do to distract the other boy. 

“If you’re looking for a way to get outta your head, then alcohol isn’t the answer. Trust me on that. But I can get something to help, just gimme a little bit, ok?” The blonde was watching, waiting for a response, but Eiji only nodded and kept his eyes focused on the skyline. 

Ash decided to settle for that as a response, cleared the plates from the table, and made some coffee while he was at it. He pulled out his phone while the pot brewed and took care of some business via text with Kong. When he returned to the table he found that Eiji was still in the same position as he had left him. 

“Hey…” He said softly, so as not to startle the other boy, and placed a hand on his shoulder, but Eiji still started and almost jerked away at the sudan contact. “Eiji, it’s me.” 

Eiji turned and for a moment, Ash could see unshed tears in the corners of his eyes, but he quickly swept them away with a hand and then smiled up at the blonde. “Yeah...I know.”

There was so much he wanted to say, but instead, Ash just kissed him on the top of the head and again led him by the hand into the living room. Ash placed his coffee mug on the side table, and then they both sprawled out on the couch, Ash laid out across the sofa longways and Eiji nestled between his legs with his head on Ash’s chest. 

The lynx turned on the TV and put on an old movie that he thought Eiji might enjoy, only to find the other boy had already dozed off, head almost completely pulled under the blanket, and bobbing slowly with the rise and fall of Ash’s chest. 

Ash played with his dark hair gently, and pondered the future while occupying his eyes with the movie on the screen that he had seen a countless number of times. He sipped quietly on the coffee he had brought into the living room, always glancing back at the sleeping boy in his arms to make sure that he was resting peacefully. 

The lynx knew that it would be a long, and slow road to recovery for Eiji, and he couldn’t expect change to happen overnight, but it had still wrenched his heart when Eiji had reacted still so violently when startled by his touch again. He was still unsure what was ok, what wasn’t, there was still so much to feel out in their relationship. It wasn’t that he feared things not working out, but he did fear the uncertainty he got when not knowing exactly what to do in each of these situations. He wondered if he hadn’t been forced to fight for his life on a daily basis, if he would have turned out similarly to Eiji. They shared very similar trauma, but they still handled it so differently. He supposed, and he knew from what he had read, that no two people coped with such things in exactly the same way, but he was still somewhat fascinated with the unique manifestations of their hurt. 

Despite the coffee, Ash also dozed off with the comforting weight of his loved one pressing up against him. 

____________

Ash woke to the sound of quiet knocking on the door. He sat off with a start, only to find that Eiji was no longer laying on top of him. He glanced around, but he was definitely not in the living room. Maybe he had moved to the bedroom to get more comfortable. However, before he could look further, the knocking on the door increased, so he decided to deal with that first. 

The lynx growled under his breath, but still stalked to the door, unlatched the lock and pulled open the door just a crack. He found Bones standing there looking around the hall distractedly, hand poised to continue his incessant knocking. 

“What?” Ash mumbled, annoyed, and scratched his head, hair askew in all different directions. But he did open the door the rest of the way to let him in. 

Bones strolled in and after the door had closed behind him, placed a small bag in Ash’s hand. “Just droppin’ off what ya asked for is all.” He smiled at Ash with a toothy grin. 

“Oh, right.” Ash yawned and gave a small hint of a smile of thanks in return. “Thanks.”

Bones looked around covertly, as if expecting to see Eiji somewhere, but not finding him and probably thinking it best to stop snooping while he was ahead, simply turned and made his way out again. Right before the door closed though, he stuck his head back in and winked at Ash over his shoulder. “Have fun, Boss!” 

The door closed with a bang and Ash just shook his head. The boys were probably missing him, but they did understand his need for privacy, and to be with Eiji as well. He was lucky to have such devoted guys following him. 

Ash quickly remembered what he had been doing though, and quickly pocketed the packet and began searching the apartment for Eiji. He wasn’t in the bedroom or the kitchen. That was definitely not good, that meant he was in the bathroom, and the last time he had been in there for any amount of time, it had been to barricade himself away from the world. 

Ash dashed to the bathroom door and bagan knocking, his anxiety having gotten the better of him, he then realized he could not handle a repeat of the other night. 

“Eiji? Are you in there?” Ash kept his voice at a relatively low volume, but the knocks were still quite loud. 

There was no response immediately, but then he heard a soft voice coming through the door. “Don’t come in, Ash...it's a mess.” 

Ash of course didn’t listen, having heard that, he realized the door must actually be unlocked, and he turned the doorknob quickly and came striding into the room as if there was some unknown assailant he was waiting to ambush. Wild blue eyes narrowed and jaw set, but nothing could’ve prepared him for what he was walking into. 

The first thing sent him reeling was the blood.

The smell of it, the sight of it streaked down the side of the tub, across the floor, and the actual sound of it  _ dripping _ ... 

Ash had to stop himself from sliding on the floor with his bare feet, which was wet with both bathwater and blood. He waved his arms to catch his balance, whirling in a circle to see the full tub of pinkish water, soap bottles strewn over the tiles, and a trail of sanguine streaks leading over to the corner behind the toilet. 

Eiji was curled up with his knees to his chest, a soaking wet towel was draped over his legs and his hair was damp and cast over the upper half of his face, cloaking his eyes. But it was plain to see that there were still wet streaks down his face, and it wasn’t from bathwater. 

Ash darted over to the corner, nearly slipping again, but managed to collide with the wet tile in a kneeling position in front of Eiji without smacking his head on the toilet in the process. Though he did send the empty sake bottle that had been resting there on the seat clattering to the floor in the process. 

He placed both hands on Eiji’s knees as gently as his fraying nerves would allow for given the circumstances, but the smaller boy didn’t even look up. 

“Eiji, where is the blood coming from. Show me right now!” Ash was not about to wait for his partner to make up his mind, if there was an injury he would be addressing that first and foremost, whether he had to tie the other boy up or not. 

Eiji just shook his head. “It’s not bad...they just bleed a lot sometimes. It’ll stop soon.” But he did pull his knees down from his chest to reveal a series of deep cuts running across his chest and abdomen, obviously knowing that Ash would not accept his refusal even if he had tried. He knew how bad it must look and he already felt sickened to the point of vomiting with the guilt he felt for worrying him to this extent.

The blonde hissed out a breath, but without another word immediately sprang into action. Having surveyed the gashes that were dripping down Eiji’s stomach onto the tile, his eyes had widened with shock, but he stood immediately and began rifling through the cabinets around the sink, and picking out what supplies he could find. Gauze, tape, and antiseptic spray he found quickly. 

Ash’s mind was going in circles. Having seen the injuries he knew that there was no need to go to a hospital, but two of them did look like they could use a stitch or two in certain places. That didn’t change the fact that he was still cycling through images in his head of the last time that Eiji had almost bled out in front of him. He knew consciously that this was entirely different. And he was no idiot, he knew exactly why Eiji had done this too, but it didn’t make it any better.

Ash had done similar things in the past to himself, but getting beaten by Golzine for ruining his property was enough to have stopped that cycle for good. 

The lynx moved back over to Eiji, who had managed to rewrap the towel around his waist, but otherwise seemed not to care about anything that was going on around him whatsoever. The blonde knelt down again and carefully helped Eiji up enough so that he was supporting his weight by an arm around his shoulder. He didn’t miss the grunt of pain that elicited from the dark haired boy. It hurt Ash more hearing that, than the sight of the blood had. 

He kicked the sake bottle out of the way even further and eased Eiji to a seated position on the toilet seat. Then he crouched down and began using a clean rag to carefully wide off the access blood and clear the cuts. 

  
  


Eiji remained stock still and silent. Head still hanging down and eyes still curtained by his jet black hair. 

It didn’t take long until Ash had moved onto the antiseptic and was now applying a healthy amount of that to each individual wound. “Eiji...you can look at me, I’m not mad...it's ok.” He said it so quietly, wanting in some way to make up for how rough he had been when he first burst into the bathroom. When he had seen the blood he had thought the very worst. 

“...can you show me what you used for this…? Was it clean…? I need to know if there is a big chance of these getting infected.” Ash kept his voice calm and matter of fact trying his best to be gentle, though his hands were shaking slightly as he continued to patch up the cuts. 

Eiji finally looked up, under his bangs dark eyes, red from crying, looked out at the lynx. “You don’t have to pretend, Ash, I know you’re angry...and you have every right to be. I don’t know why I did it...I lost control, it helped in the past, so I just went with what worked best.” He pointed at the tub halfheartedly. “It's in there, it was a really small one from the kitchen, I don’t think it's ever been used though, it should be fine.”

Ash almost laughed, a part of him was finally starting to realize that this wasn’t a near death incident, so he was starting to relax a bit, but was still on high alert. “Eiji...I love you so much, but nothing about this is  _ fine _ .” 

“I know. I’m sorry.” Eiji hesitated, then looked up again, and this time, he surprised Ash by grabbing the hand that was starting to apply gauze over one of the cuts, stopping the blonde in his tracks, and causing him to meet Eiji’s gaze. 

The look was intense, and burned right through Ash with the passion of it. “I love you too, Ash…” 

He breathed the words out as almost a whisper, and then he leaned forward and kissed the lynx right on the lips, not just a quick kiss, but a deep embrace full of need and desire and longing. And it tasted like sadness, melancholy, and sake. 

It left Ash so shaken that he nearly fell backwards onto his ass from where he was on his knees in front of Eiji. The gauze dropped from his hand and it took him a moment to respond, but he understood instantly that Eiji desperately needed to remind him that this relationship meant everything to him, that he wanted this too, that he was sorry for falling apart. Even though Ash accepted every part of Eiji, his past, his flaws, and his current instability, he still needed that kiss more than anything right now. 

It was an apology, a thank you, and a display of deeply felt desire all in one. 

They pulled apart after a few moments, but now Ash’s worry was beginning to subside, and was now able to return to more practical matters, such as finishing dressing the cuts. He finished taping the rest of the gauze on as quickly as possible, then cleaned the rest of the blood off of Eiji’s chest. While doing so, he noticed small white scars running across a good portion of the other boys’ abdomen, which must be left over from when he had done similar things in the past. It pained him beyond words to know that there had been no one there for Eiji back then, but he realized that was how it had been for him as well. 

Ash understood completely, every aspect of what Eiji was going through, but that only made it harder to deal with, because he knew that nothing else anyone said would be the deciding factor in if Eiji would ever fully recover. It would have to be an effort that came from within himself. But Ash would try like hell to make sure Eiji had every reason to want to make it through this, and he would be here every step of the way. 

Eiji seemed to be doing much better though than when Ash had rushed in earlier though, he was actually almost smiling. He glanced around the bathroom, giving it a once over. 

“What a mess...you were right about the sake…” His eyes widened at the streaks along the floor leading to the corner. 

Ash did chuckle quietly this time. He stood up now and patted Eiji on the head, planting another gentle kiss there as well. “You Japanese and your sake…” He scratched the back of his head, further mussing up the golden locks and sending the part in all the wrong directions.

Eiji sighed and moved to stand as well, but almost slipped on the watery tiles, and ended up plopping right back down with a grunt. 

Ash spun around and stared at him with a death glare. “Stay right where you are.” he said and pointed at Eiji with a finger, and narrowed his azure eyes. 

  
  


The lynx then proceeded to drain the tub, and pulled out the knife that had sunk to the bottom, which he broke in half and then tossed. Then he threw a couple fresh towels on the floor and used his feet to mop up the rest of the water and blood. Finally he deposited the now soaking towels into the laundry basket. 

“Ok, now you can stand up.” He moved over and grabbed Eiji’s hand and guided him out of the bathroom carefully, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that the gauze was still securely taped onto Eiji’s toned abdomen. He was pleased to see that he was still good with patching people up. 

They made their way into the bedroom, and Ash left Eiji for just a moment to allow him to change into some clean clothes. He knew that right now wasn’t the time to push anymore than necessary so he just walked out before Eiji was forced to ask him to leave. 

When he returned a few minutes later, he found Eiji seated cross legged on the bed, looking out the window with his chin propped up on a knee. He was wearing a pair of sweats and a simple blue sweater. And he did look much better than he had only a bit ago, his brows weren’t furrowed in sadness and there were no more tears in his eyes. 

Ash strode over to the window that the other boy was peering out of and slid it open. A slight breeze fluttered the curtains and the sound of birds chirping could be heard as they flew by. He then turned and faced Eiji with one arm crossed mischievously, and the other held behind his back. 

“Now, this is what you actually need.” He then pulled two joints from behind his back and winked. 

Eiji just stared at him bewildered, eyeing the joints confused. “What are those? Cigarettes?” he cocked his head to the side. 

“This is Maryjane, love. And I think you’re going to really take a shine to her.” Ash grinned like a rouge. 

The lynx then walked over to the bed and threw himself onto it next to Eiji, at the same time digging a lighter out of his pocket. He took one of the joints and lit it, pulling a few puffs off of it, and then handing it to Eiji. “You hold it like a cigarette, at the end. Then you inhale a little bit of the smoke, hold it in, and then exhale. Here.” 

Eiji took it delicately from Ash’s hand and held it up to his nose. “It smells funny.” 

Ash laughed. “You get used to it, go on, give it a try.” He then proceeded to light the other joint and begin smoking that one, while reclining back on the bed. 

Ash was both physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. He was happy to have this excuse to smoke, which he only did on very rare occasions, and relieve some of the tension. His head was swirling now with images of Eiji covered in blood, in the bathroom, and when he had been shot. That feeling of complete and utter helplessness was incredibly hard to shake, but he was doing his best. He needed to be present for Eiji right now. But he also knew that the events of the past twenty-four hours was going to stick with him for the rest of his life.

Eiji appeared to be intrigued by the idea of something that would relax him in a better way than alcohol, so he took a hit off of the joint Ash had given him. He managed to hold it in, but sputtered out a cloud of smoke amidst a flurry of coughs a few seconds later. 

He glanced over at Ash. “What am I supposed to feel…?” He managed to cough out. Looking down at the offending joint in his hand as if it was demonic. The coughing was irritating his cuts and it was obviously frustrating him. 

Ash seemed to notice this. And he moved over to that he was sitting facing Eiji on the bed. “It hurts to cough? Here…let me know if this is ok...” 

He took a pull from the one in his own hand and then scooted closer to the other boy carefully. Then he gently leaned forward, cupped the back of Eiji’s head with a hand and exhaled the smoke into his mouth slowly. 

Eiji was stunned, but still managed to inhale most of the smoke before it dissipated. 

Ash was surprised when Eiji didn’t pull away right away, but actually began returning the kiss, nibbling on the blonde’s lower lip and twisting his head slightly. Ash’s eyes widened, but soon closed in appreciation of the unexpected display of affection. 

Finally, Eiji coughed and exhaled the smoke. He stared at Ash’s face which was only a few inches away.

And then he smiled.

It was the most beautiful thing Ash had seen all day. That smile captivated him, just like it had every other time in his life he had seen the sweet side of Eiji. That coupled with the bold protectiveness and self-sacrificing nature of the boy had been enough to turn Ash Lynx into a house cat on the spot. And it still did. Every time. 

Eiji then giggled. Yes, giggled. “You look so confused, Ash. What’s wrong?” 

Ash just smirked in an effort to hide his starstruck emotions. “I just love you, that’s all.” And he crossed his arms in mock frustration at being teased. 

Eiji ignored him. He was now looking rather content. There was a rosy shade to his cheeks and a hazeyness in his eyes, not a bad kind, but a warm and fuzzy sort of buzz that seemed to be helping ease his mind from the issues of the past few days. 

Eiji swayed slightly to the side and looked at Ash adoringly. “I want to cuddle...” He glanced down and blushed. 

Ash was thoroughly enjoying this side of Eiji and he quickly grabbed the remnant of the joint from the other boy’s hand and tossed the remainder of them both out the window with an affectionate smile in Eiji’s direction. At least he had been right about this, it did seem to have helped ease Eiji’s mind tremendously. 

They climbed into bed, but right when Ash was about to slide under the blankets, Eiji stopped him with a hand to his elbow, shaking his head. “Not like that, Ash…” Eiji shook his head, and began removing his own sweater carefully, minding the bandages as he pulled it over his head.

Ash was dumbstruck, but he followed suit and pulled off his tank top before sliding under the sheets and curling up behind Eiji, wrapping his arms around his midsection gently. 

Eiji yawned loudly, and snuggled farther back to that their bare skin was making contact, then he sighed and relaxed into Ash’s embrace. 

“...thank you…” Was all that Ash would make out as the smaller boy drifted off into sleep, already too exhausted from the trials of the day and also aided by the herb into slumber. 

Ash could never possibly describe the feeling of having skin on skin contact with Eiji in words. It was both warm and cozy, contentment in itself. But also electrifying and enticing at the same time. It meant the world to him to be trusted like this. Especially after the events of the day. But this only proved to him that there was hope yet for both of them. They could learn to trust again, learn to love based not from fear of loss, but for desire to be with one another. There was still hope for a beautiful future together for them. There was still a very long journey ahead of them to heal, but Ash Lynx does not give up easily. And he would do anything for the one he loved. 

Ash kissed Eiji on the cheek and smiled. “No...thank you, Eiji, for trusting me...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think in the comments! Thank you for reading and for all the feedback. <3


	5. Renewal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still reeling from the trials of the past few days, Ash agrees to hear Eiji out as he expresses some of his desires. Will such requests harm their relationship or will they be able to supersede the phantoms of the past?

Eiji held an arm across his eyes, blocking the bright afternoon sun from blinding him. The rays warmed his skin pleasantly and he found that he did not feel inclined to move, so instead he just lay there, the soft grass cushioning him. He would have drifted off, if it weren’t for the quiet footfalls of someone approaching. For some reason, a sixth sense immediately perceived who it was, and his partially tensed up muscles relaxed again, and he resumed his lazy musings, smirking underneath his arm. 

Ash settled next to him, stretching out on the grass. Eiji felt their sides pressed against one another, the heat of it made his heart flutter, and the sense of companionship and protection it provided caused a sigh to escape. He snuck a look out from under his arm and found himself again overwhelmed with Ash’s beauty. His chiseled profile reflected by the vibrant green of the grass cut a startling vividness. A shame he didn’t have his camera with him. 

Ash noticed his stare and turned to bestow a gentle smile on the other boy. His green eyes were slitted from the bright sunlight, but those brilliant irises were still just as emphatic. It was as if Ash was incapable of shallow emotion. 

Eiji turned over onto his side and slid closer to the blonde, who opened his arms and pulled him to his chest. The shorter boy looked up and their eyes met, Ash’s eyes held so much love that Eiji felt as if he might drown in happiness. There was an infinite level of acceptance, compassion, and just enough possessiveness that he felt like this was the one place he belonged. It was only here that he could feel utterly safe. 

___________

Eiji felt consciousness returning to him, and pushed it back, refusing to open his eyes. He let out a small frustrated sigh and moved to snuggle back into the blankets, chasing after the warmth in the dream. But he quickly realized there was no need to clutch at the fading curtails of the dream, as the comforting presence he sought was actually nestled against him in reality as well. 

Ash was laying on his back with both arms wound around Eiji, and they tightened around him further when Ash noticed the other boy strir slightly. Having noticed his small groans of complaint upon waking up, Ash had smirked unbeknownst to Eiji. He placed a hand on his head and began smoothing the unruly dark locks. 

“Shh I’m here, go back to sleep, it's early still.” 

Ash looked down at Eiji, who had still yet to open his eyes, and was pleased when his words were rewarded with the smaller boy's muscles relaxing and he even pushed into his side, cuddling closer. The feeling of their bare skin was still such a magical feeling that Ash couldn’t help but feel a slight chill run through his spine again. He had waited for so long to experience this sensation, and it was of course even better than it had been in his imagination. Eiji had incredible soft skin, and he traced patterns delicately along his back underneath the covers soothingly to coax the other back into a more restful state again.

Ash continued to play with Eiji’s hair as well, relishing in this display of vulnerability and trust that was being shown towards him. He knew this was how Eiji consciously felt about him, but given everything that he had been through in the past day he understood how profound it was to be allowed this level of closeness. It reassured him greatly that despite everything Eiji was working through, he was still willing to let Ash in. He had found himself doubting in the back of his mind whether the other would be able to discern reality from the phantoms of his past enough to be this physically close with him, but it appeared that today was off to a good start. So he was taking it all in and quite pleased to prolong the moment if Eiji was willing to stay like this for a while. 

Eiji exhaled and the warm breath tickled Ash’s chest. “Mm...you were with me in my dream too. Just like this, right here next to me.” 

The lynx’s heart fluttered at this and he was sure it may have skipped a few beats due to the words as well as the sensation of Eiji’s breath fluttering across his skin. It was in these priceless moments that he realized he was indeed still human, he still could be touched by the beauty of times like these, he was still able to feel. Even after everything he had been through in his lifetime, which was enough to put most men on their knees. 

“I’ll always be with you Eiji. There’s nothing that could change that.” He placed a kiss on the other boy’s forehead. “How are you feeling?”

Ash was trying to put as much effort as possible into monitoring Eiji’s mood. After yesterday’s events, he had realized the potential for breakdowns was higher than he had previously thought, so he was intent on getting the other boy to talk about his emotions, even if he didn’t want to, it was definitely what was best for him. Anything was better than finding him covered in his own blood again. 

Eiji just grunted softy in reply. “I’m feeling much better than yesterday if that’s what you want to know. I can see how stupid it was...and I feel horrible for making you worry like that. I’m sorry Ash.” He burrowed further under the blankets, hiding most of his face. 

Ash just smiled gently. “It’s ok. I meant what I said, I’m not angry, I just want you to talk to me if you feel like that again. There’s nothing you could tell me that would shock me or push me away. I don’t have any right to pass judgment on you. I’m here for you. Just because I’ve been through similar experiences doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to talk about what you’ve been through, Eiji.” 

Eiji’s arm across his chest tightened and he sighed. “I understand. Thank you…” He peeked his head out from under the blankets and peered out at Ash, looking like a bunny that had just emerged from its burrow disgruntled. “Ash...I want to ask you something...but you have to promise me you won’t say no right away without thinking it over.” 

Ash took in the adorably sleepy Eiji, his messy bedhead and the slightly squinted eyes, finding himself unable to keep from smiling again. He placed a hand on the side of the other’s face, cupping his cheek and meeting his dazey gaze. “Sure, what is it?” 

Eiji surprised him by sitting up, coming out from under the covers and wrapping a portion of the blankets around his bare shoulders, he looked Ash dead in the eye, those dark embers sparkling with concentration. He took a deep breath. “I want you to make me yours, Ash.”

Ash sat up quickly, dropping his gaze down to the bed and furrowing his eyebrows. He pinched his nose in concern and shook his head. He withdrew his hand away from where it had been resting on the other boy’s shoulder. “Eiji…that’s...” 

“Don’t. Don’t say anything yet. Not until I say what’s been on my mind.” He took a breath and squared his shoulders, reaching out for Ash’s hand and squeezing it tightly, but he must’ve used what strength he had to meet the lyx’s gaze, and now chose to look out the window as he spoke. 

“I can’t keep living like this. I still feel like I belong to someone who isn’t even alive anymore. I don’t feel like I have control over my own body. For once I want to do something with my body that I actually want. And that something is being with you. I want to be yours in every way possible, I want you to be one with me, I want to feel whole again…”

Ash was listening, but so many flares were popping up in his mind that were almost drowning out what was currently happening. He wouldn’t lie to himself and say that he didn’t want this with all his being, but he could not and  _ would _ not risk Eiji’s wellbeing just to have what he wanted. That would make him no different than the people that had hurt him. He still doubted that Eiji actually knew what he wanted, it just didn’t seem safe. It didn’t seem  _ right. _ Maybe it was just his own experiences getting in the way, but he was beginning to doubt whether he even had it in him in the first place to do this with Eiji. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he had ever prepared himself to be the one doing the taking or the doing in this scenario anyways. Not that he was opposed, but he had just never done it this way before either. He was quickly getting anxious and the only thing that pulled him out of his worrying was the sensation of his hand being squeezed again. 

“...Ash?” Eiji was staring at him now, with an extremely gentle smile on his face.

“Sorry, I’m here.” Ash tightened his own hand around Eiji’s, coming back to reality. He managed a very slight smile of his own, eyes filled concern. “...just let me think on it, ok?” 

Eiji nodded and released his hand. “Ok.” He didn’t seem angry or even frustrated, but he did appear to be thinking hard about what had just been said. 

Ash raised his arm up so Eiji could nestle back against him, and then he pulled the blankets back over them. The lynx kissed the top of the other boy’s head and glided his fingers over Eiji’s shoulder, staring absentmindedly up at the ceiling and thinking over things. He was somewhat relieved to not have to decide anything on this right now. He was incredibly torn. He wanted to give Eiji everything he wanted, but he just couldn’t bring himself to start something that could end horribly. Eiji was still not recovered from what had happened yesterday, physically he was still covered in bandages, and mentally there was definitely a lot that had yet to be resolved. Ash knew that maybe right now in the moment he felt safe and wanted to be intimate, but that could wear off quickly. 

Ash was surprised when Eiji suddenly blurted out, “Sorry…” Against his ribs. 

The lynx looked down and cocked his head, “...for what?” 

Eiji’s face had turned red, eyes squeezed shut tightly. He readjusted his positioning against Ash, moving his lower body from where he had a leg wrapped around Ash’s hip. It was then that Ash felt what must have had the other blushing so furiously. 

_ Oh.  _

Ash’s eyebrows shot up. He hadn’t expected this. Eiji was actually turned on from laying next to him? He had thought that there was nothing sexual about their embrace, but something about it must have triggered Eiji’s need. Perhaps it was the lack of clothing on their upper bodies, that was a new thing after all. But he still hadn’t expected him to actually be capable of feeling this kind of desire so soon after what had transpired yesterday. 

Ash still didn’t feel like he could do what Eiji had asked of him just yet, but maybe he could help with this. This would be much easier to stop if he asked, and also would help alleviate some of the tension that Eiji obviously had building up. Maybe Eiji was craving this kind of interaction because he was afraid of losing that aspect of their relationship if they waited. He decided to test the waters a little.

Ash smirked. “Mm...come back here…” He scooted back over so that Eiji was pressed up against his hip again and rolled his thigh up into the burning length that had been pushing up against him a moment ago. He grabbed Eiji’s upper body and held it tight against his own so he couldn’t escape this time. 

Eiji moaned so breathelessly that Ash couldn’t help but groan in response, his own desire growing as well now and beginning to create a heat that ran through his lower half like a burning wave of pleasure. He had longed to make those sounds come out of Eiji’s lips since he had first met him. 

He continued to grind into Eiji’s erection with his leg and soon the other boy began to roll his own weight into the motion as well, conforming for Ash that this was a mutually desired encounter. 

Ash put the psychoanalysis aside for the moment and allowed himself to get in touch with the side of himself that he had been holding back for the past few days. The side of him that wanted to mercilessly devour his partner and make him scream his name. He just had to open the gates a tiny bit...just a little...just for now. Eiji did seem to really want him this way. He could give Eiji a little taste and see how it went, maybe it would be a good way to judge if they could consider going further later on. 

He languidly rolled over slowly so that he was propped up over the other boy with an arm. The other hand he began sliding down Eiji’s ribs gently, tickling small moans out of him. Ash pressed a leg down between Eiji’s hips against the rock hard protrusion, eliciting a much louder noise than before from him. Ash rolled his hips down, and Eiji’s eyes rolled back and he closed his eyes. 

“Ash...ah…” He took a fistful of Ash’s hair in his hand and pulled as if looking for anything to anchor himself to reality. 

Ash smiled and dipped down to bury Eiji in a deep kiss, smothering the heightening noises of pleasure that were coming from his lungs. The other boy responded and yanked him down hard by the hair further into the kiss. They writhed around each other, grinding and nipping at each other lips, both beginning to work up a slight sweat that only smoothed the building friction. 

Ash gasped though, when he felt a hand slide over his length through his boxers. He hadn’t noticed the other boy reaching a hand down between their thighs, nor had he expected Eiji to be so bold. He found that he couldn’t handle it and had to reach his own hand down to pull Eii’s away from him, it was too much, he already felt overstimulated as things were. 

“Mn...hold on…” He managed to mumble around Eiji’s lips. 

Ash didn’t give the other boy a chance to get disappointed though, instead he slid down until his chin was resting on Eiji’s hip. The whole way down he trailed his tongue across the firm chest and stomach beneath him, gently biting at the skin and kissing the reddened patches after. Finally he settled on the hip bones, and began sucking on the delicate skin there. 

Eiji was completely absorbed in the sensations, back arched from the attention being given to his whole upper body as Ash worked his way down. The blankets had long since been tangled and tossed to the side. But the sheet left underneath them was bunched up under the smaller boy from the amount of tossing and turning he was engaging in as he reacted to each one of Ash’s ministrations as if he had never experienced touch before. 

Ash has now decorated Eiji’s enture pelvic region with little bite marks. He had his fingers hooked around the edges of the boxers, and he was about to pull them down off the slim hips, but stopped himself. He looked up and met Eiji’s lust filled eyes. Blinking up at him like a vixen, but quickly sobering from his exertions enough to make sure that this was still ok. 

Ash waited for Eiji to calm and for his body to settle, then asked quietly, “...is this alright?” Hovering with his hands suspended over the hem over the garment cautiously, questioning. 

Eiji took a moment to respond. He visibly swallowed, but eventually nodded, placing all of his faith in Ash. He stroked the side of Ash’s face with a hand, ever so gently sliding his fingers down his cheekbone. “I trust you, Ash.” 

Then he smiled, and it was the most beautiful smile Ash had ever seen. Filled with passion and love...but also sadness, that echoed years of haunting loneliness that Ash understood all too well. He knew how important this moment was, and he burned this image into his memory, this was the moment that Eiji took the leap to truly trust him with his physical body and give him free reign. He would never forget the belief placed in him here. 

Ash slowed his movements now, he placed soothing kisses along Eiji’s thighs as he began sliding the clothing down over his hips. Ash heard Eiji’s sharp intake of breath, and froze, looking up, he noted the fists twisting the sheets and jaw that was set firmly in place. 

“Eiji...look at me, hey, I’m right here...do you want to stop?” Ash had ceased all movement as he placed a hand on Eiji’s chest to ground him. 

Eiji took a moment to relax, but eventually his muscles loosened and he was able to open his eyes and look down at Ash. His eyes were watery, but there were no tears. He shook his head and took a breath. “No...I’m fine...keep going.”

Ash smiled ever so gently up at him. “I’ve got you. It’s just me. Promise you’ll tell me if you want to stop. I won’t be mad if we have to.” He kissed the other boy’s stomach and patted his chest, waiting for the rest of the tension to leave Eiji’s body.

After a few moments of patience coaxing, Eiji once again sunk back into the mattress and Ash moved back down and finished removing the boxers. Eiji shuddered, but it was one of arousal this time. Ash placed both hands on either hip and ran his palms down the other boy’s thighs slowly. “Shh...it's ok, I’m right here…”

Ash then cautiously began to breath and lick on the trembling length in front of him, which immediately caused Eiji to moan and make a choked sound that almost sounded like he had swallowed his own tongue with pleasure. Ash continued his motions, keeping things slow and gentle. Soothing away the last bit of stiffness that had remained in the other boys’ body. 

Then, finally having decided it was safe to go all the way, Ash submerged the member in his mouth, taking it down all the way to the hilt in one swift motion, and circling the base with his tongue. 

Eiji’s upper body nearly shot into an upright position, and his back arched away from the mattress in utter ecstasy. Eiji shuddered along with the vibrations coming from the lynx’s throat as he growled in satisfaction, having been able to have such a pleasant affect on his lover. Ash began to move up and down now, working the entire length casually, as if it was the easiest thing in the world for him. This felt nothing like pleasuring his abusers in the past, this was something he genuinely wanted to do, and he was grateful for the first time in his life at having the experience he did, as he knew exactly what would drive his partner over the edge. 

“...Ash...ah...mph...Ash…” Eiji’s fists were now twisting in the pillowcase under his head in a feeble attempt not to pull out Ash’s hair as he worked him up and down. Under his eyelids starlights flitted past and he couldn’t keep his hips from bucking up in sync with Ash’s head bobs. He chanted his lover’s name in a furiously passionate rhythm and his voice seemed to have gone up an octave. 

This was all absolute music to Ash’s ears, and he held Eiji’s hips tightly in place as the other writhed beneath him. As the moans grew louder and he sped up the rhythm, soon he felt his lover’s release trickle down the back of his throat. He grinned happily, and slowly slid back, released the now satisfied member. Ash kissed the trembling thighs which fluttered at the contact in post orgasmic bliss. 

Ash slid back up so that he was next to Eiji, and peered down at the completely spent form of his partner sprawled almost lifelessly across the now sweaty sheets. This was a sight he had pictured so many times in his mind’s eye, but never thought he would get the chance to see. This was perfection, if beauty had a definition, the image Eiji painted right now would be part of that definition. 

Eiji was breathing heavily and trembling all over, but there was a gorgeous ghost of a smile on his lips, and his eyelashes fluttered lustily. “Ash…” He panted out, rolling into the other boy and clinging to his chest. 

Ash did the rest of the work for him and pulled Eiji to his chest, encircling him with both arms and planting a multitude of kisses on the top of his now completely disheveled mop of hair. “I’ve got you, I’m here, Eiji.” He whispered more soothing nothings into Eiji’s ear and stroked fingertips down his back, which the other boy reacted to with small shudders down his spine, which caused Ash to allow himself a mischievous smirk. 

Eiji smiled into Ash’s neck and kissed him softly there. “I love you.” He said simply. And then wrapped a hand in the blonde’s also mussed shock of hair and fully succumbed to the exhaustion that was overtaking his body. 

“I love you too.” Ash replied dreamily. He found the weight of his lover on his chest was slowly lulling him back into a state of gradual unconsciousness, as if he had also experienced the same kind of release just in the act of finally being able to fully express his affection. 

This had been a huge step in their journey towards intimacy, and Ash was so overcome with emotion that he found his eyes were somewhat damp. This had been more than just a challenge for Eiji, it had been a test he had wanted to give himself as well. He had been able to be intimate with someone of his choosing and it had brought him actual pleasure. Instead of an overwhelming wave of guilt and self-hatred that usually followed such interactions, he felt whole, loved, and needed. 

This must be what it felt like to make love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love and thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think. Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated!


	6. I Only Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a few days filled with relative peace, Eiji decides to see how far he can take things. Ash must bring him back from the brink after a terrible misunderstanding.

“How do you cope with everything so well?”

Ash was flipping to the next page of the book he was reading when Eiji posed the question. He froze, and turned to where Eiji was sitting on the other side of the couch. The dark haired boy had a laptop on his knees and was sorting through some photos he had to edit for work. His face was still directed towards the screen, and he had been silent up until now. Ash had figured he was so focused on his work that he wouldn’t just strike up a conversation out of nowhere. 

The blonde removed his glasses slowly and twirled them absentmindedly between his fingers. “Why are you asking this now?”

Eiji just shrugged. “I can’t focus on anything, I don’t know how you do it. Sitting there so peacefully reading a book, it’s like you’re some kind of college student studying for a test…” 

Ash sighed. “...yeah.” He hesitated. “...it depends on what kinds of things your referring to...like the violence, the death, the murder and the running for my life-that’s something that I’ve been forced to do my whole life. I got used to it, I don’t wanna say jaded, but that does kinda sum it up.” 

The lynx closed his book and placed it on the side table along with the glasses. He then scooted over to the opposite side of the couch and threw an arm around Eiji’s shoulders, nuzzling his face in the dark mop of hair. “Mn...you smell good.” 

Eiji managed a quiet chuckle and made a mock shove at Ash with his elbow. “I’m being serious, you know, you’re impossible.” He huffed out an exasperated sigh.

Ash ignored the elbow jab and brazenly kissed Eiji on the cheek, then carefully extricated the laptop from Eiji’s grip and put it on the coffee table. He then turned to the other boy and pulled him around by the shoulders so that they were facing each other on the couch. He took Eiji’s chin in his hand and drew the older boy into a kiss. 

It took him a minute to relax, but he quickly melted into Ash and they deepened the kiss. Ash tugged at Eiji’s lower lip as if coaxing a flower to bloom with all the gentleness in the world. The blonde pressed his other free hand into the small of Eiji’s back and pulled him closer so that their bodies were flush against one another’s, he then pulled back and began smothering messy affections to the side of Eiji’s neck. He reveled again in how soft the skin there was, like silk that was somehow still carrying the warmth of its wearer. 

“...mph...ah...Ash…?” Eiji couldn’t contain the little sounds of arousal from escaping his lips as his neck was teased by ash’s tongue and his breath that tickled the sensitive area. 

Ash just grinned into Eiji’s collarbone and in between small nips mumbled out. “...you said...you were distracted…” He took hold of a small patch of skin and began sucking on it and swirling his tongue. “...so I thought I’d help you release some of that tension…” 

It had been two days since they had been intimate for the first time. Eiji’s mood had seemed to improve after that day, and he had started working again, albeit from home, having told his boss that he had been ill and was still recovering. Which wasn’t really a lie, but it was indeed more of a mental recovery rather than physical. They had been making out more often and snuggling constantly, but Ash hadn’t pressed Eiji for more than that since then, assuming that it was still best to take things slow. Though that day had given him hope for the future of the physical aspects of their relationship. The lynx had been taking that time to read up on all sorts of materials related to trauma recovery, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other such topics. 

Ash was well aware of the fact that he could be better compared to a hired gun than a psychologist, but having more knowledge on these things couldn't hurt. And whether he liked to admit it or not, he wasn’t just doing this for Eiji, he wanted these answers for _himself_ too. Also given that he had the IQ of an almost genius level academic, most of what he read was easily comprehensible, and as an added asset, he had actual experience to draw from. 

Eiji had noticed his reading choices, but chose not to comment, despite Ash having tried his best to keep the books face down. On one hand Eiji found Ash’s fixation on the topic a bit frustrating and intrusive, but he also knew that whatever Ash did learn could probably be put to use for the lynx’ own use as well, and so he let it be. If any of this could help Ash heal too, he would not get in the way, maybe opening up to Ash about his experiences could act as a guide for the younger boy to process some of his own issues. 

Eiji didn’t feel particularly bad, but he also didn’t feel particularly recovered from the past few day’s events either. He felt like he was coasting through some sort of limbo, numb to most of the happenings around him. It was odd, because there was a sort of comfort in the lack of reaction any sort of stimuli elicited from him, but he also was feeling a growing frustration and stirring anger at his own inability to connect with reality. 

Eiji also knew that he was the one holding him and Ash back from being able to interact intimately. There was a crushing guilt over that weighing on his thoughts. And whenever he engaged with Ash physically, he only felt a growing sense of shame at being unable to fully respond to the other boy. He wanted to make Ash feel good too, he was desperate to prove the depths of his affection. 

So as Eiji writhed under Ash’s touch, still feeling disconnected from most of the sensations, and mostly responding with whatever he felt would suit the moment logically, he decided that this was his chance to prove himself.

The older boy grabbed a fistful of the blonde’s hair and yanked him back from where he was still trailing kisses down his neck. Ash gasped and his eyes widened in shock. Eiji never took the initiative or took a dominant role, even when they were just exchanging gentle affections. He also was never rough whatsoever. 

Ash opened and closed his mouth a few times, then his eyes grew hazey and he moaned slightly at the attention. “...Eiji…” He mumbled breathlessly. 

Eiji pushed him back on the couch with a palm against his chest and crawled over him, smothering any more words with his lips. He ran a hand down between them and pressed a palm against the now strained crotch of Ash’s jeans. 

Ash’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head in confusion. “...Eiji…?” He mumbled into the dark haired boy’s mouth. “...what…” 

But Eiji didn’t want to give Ash any chances to object or question. He slid down over the blonde’s chest and positioned himself between his legs. Quickly and steadily he undid the button and zipper, running his hands up under Ash’s now disheveled shirt and teasing the lynx’ ribs with his fingertips. 

“Let me.” Was all he said, looking up at Ash’s flushed face seductively, eyelids fluttering and lips parted hungrily. He hooked his fingers in the waist of the jeans and began slowly pulling them down off of Ash’s narrow hips. 

Ash’s mind was a confused mess of emotions. On one hand, if Eiji wanted to express himself sexually, then he didn’t want to get in the way, far from it. But this still seemed too sudden and out of character. His mind rang with all kinds of warnings, how could he go about clarifying this situation without upsetting or offending the other boy? But the way that Eiji had stared up at him, the perfect image of a deviant little vixen, hazey eyes gazing up at him through long lashes, and moist lips open in invitation. Ash swallowed audibly and squirmed. He had never expected to be in this position anytime soon. 

That had to mean that something was _not_ right. 

But all of Ash’s objections on the tip of his tongue were utterly obliterated when a wet and warm sensation swallowed his length, all the way down until he could feel the excess moisture dripping from the base. 

Ash fell back into the couch and moaned so loudly that there was no doubt everyone on the same floor of the building knew exactly what they were up to. He grasped at the couch cushions in a desperate attempt to stay grounded, he had never felt this way before, no one had ever done this to him before, it was a completely foriegn sensation. Ash writhed around, there was a white light behind his eyes that threatened to blind him, his mouth hung open in an inaudible cry of ecstasy. 

Then just as fast as it had begun, it was over, and he was left reeling. Limbs shaking, body completely limp, and breaths coming in gasps and pants. 

But as feeling flooded back into Ash’s extremities, he noticed a smattering of cold droplets falling down onto his thighs and stomach. It wasn’t raining inside, what.

_Fuck_. 

Ash shot up off the couch to find Eiji hovering over his lap, eyes closed, tears rolling silently down his cheeks, and body trembling with repressed emotion. 

“Eiji! Eiji?” 

Eiji did not respond, he remained frozen in place with his eyes shut.

Ash cursed and quickly slid his hips back into his jeans. He carefully leaned forward and placed a hand on the other boy’s shoulder, which caused Eiji to jerk away. Ash managed to extricate his legs from underneath Eiji’s now frozen body, and now he sat cross legged next to him. Unsure if he should try to pull Eiji out of whatever dark place he had fled to in his mind. 

_“It is not uncommon for victims of such abuse to exhibit symptoms of hyper-sexual behavior. In these situations, this kind of behavior should not be encouraged, as it could cause further harm to the individual’s psyche…”_

The words floated up in Ash’s mind. Those very words he had read yesterday while researching the behaviors of survivors such as Eiji and himself. He hadn’t thought much of it, as neither he nor Eiji seemed to have developed anything of that nature. But now, an understanding was beginning to blossom in his mind. This was the kind of behavior they had been talking about. He had been an idiot not to put a stop to this as soon as he had felt uneasy earlier when Eiji was making these advances. It has been so out of character, but he had been distracted by the pleasure of it all. How could he be so stupid. 

“Eiji...can you hear me?” Ash leaned forward again and gently stroked the side of the other boy’s face with his fingertips hesitantly. 

Eiji’s eyes all of the sudden shot open, and he began gasping for air. His gaze darted around the room, taking in his odd positioning on the couch and Ash’s distraught expression. He pushed himself up off the couch and wrapped his arms around himself protectively, still shaking and tears still streaming down his cheeks. 

“Ash…” He managed to get out between gasps. “Where...?” His eyes looked glassy and he pressed himself into the back of the couch, managing to push his head far enough into the cushion to hide one half of his face. It felt safer that way. The less of him that could be seen by anyone the better. 

Ash just smiled at him sadly, trying to show that everything was ok as best he could, but knowing that getting any closer right now to the other boy would be unwise. “In your apartment.” He replied softly. Knowing exactly what Eiji had been trying to ask. 

“No... _where_ ?” Eiji panted out, his eyes were closed again, and instead of panic in his voice, there was now confusion and pain. He did not know how he had gotten here. _Ash is in Japan?_ This could not be real. His father had just been here. _If Ash doesn’t leave now…_

Ash’s gentle smile of encouragement faded quickly. This was much worse than he thought. His lips formed a solemn line. “You’re in New York. This is your apartment. You moved here to be with me after I got hurt.” He didn’t question it, instead he decided it best to be forthcoming with all the details until Eiji’s memory slowly returned. 

_New York...New York...after… This is my apartment. Ash is with me in New York._

Eiji’s mind spun in circles, on some level this all made sense. But then how had he been in Japan just a few moments ago. Maybe that was the part that hadn’t been real. If Ash was telling him he was in New York, then that must be the truth, but his body felt _wrong_. It felt...used.

Eiji glanced at ash with his one visible eye. “...what did we just do…?” He closed both eyes again and finally the real tears came. “I can taste it, Ash…” He muttered the last part almost inaudibly, shivers wracking his shoulders and he tumbled forward. 

Ash caught him and pulled him into his chest, wrapping Eiji’s slim frame in his arms and cradling the side of his face with his hand. “Shh...I’ve got you. I’m here.” 

Ash didn’t know what to say, he would have to be honest, he couldn’t lie, but he was horrified at himself. He knew that it wasn’t his fault on some level, but that did little to assuage the growing nausea in his stomach. But he would wait to explain more until Eiji had sufficiently calmed down. 

Eiji burrowed further into Ash’s chest, tears slowly subsiding, but still shivering as if from cold. “...I don’t understand. Was I here with you this whole time?”

“Mhm.” Ash kissed the top of Eiji’s head. “I think you had a flashback.” 

Eiji looked up at Ash questioningly. “This hasn’t happened before though.”

“It’s probably because of what we were doing…” Ash pulled Eiji even closer to his chest and ran a hand through his hair. “We were kissing...and then you pushed me back and...went down on me.” 

Eiji ceases all movement, even the shaking stopped. 

Ash continued. “I’m sorry. I should have stopped you, I had a feeling something wasn’t right, but you surprised me, and then...I’m sorry, Eiji, this is my fault.” 

Eiji was lost somewhere in his mind. He could hear Ash talking, and he understood what he was saying, but it all seemed so far away. He wasn’t angry at Ash, he just didn’t remember any of it. He did remember the kissing... _a little_ . But none of the rest. So that’s why he could taste it... _right_. But it was Ash. He had been able to do that for Ash? 

Words slowly reached Eiji’s ears again.

“...I should’ve known better...Eiji, I’m sorry.” Ash repeated again. Not knowing what else to do except to keep reiterating his guilt. “Eiji?”

The other boy finally looked up and met ash’s gaze, but there was an almost imperceptible upturn at the corners of his mouth, and his eyes seemed to have cleared slightly. “It’s ok, Ash. As long as it was you, I’m happy. That’s so much better than...where I thought I was.” 

Ash’s heart hurt with how simple and accepting those words were. The fact that even after something so obviously traumatic, Eiji could still discern the difference between Ash and whatever hellish scenario his mind had conjured was incredible. It once again proved how deep their bond was. 

Ash was shocked when Eiji reached up a hand and cupped his cheek. “Don’t blame yourself. I’m actually kinda...well, kind of proud that I could make you feel so good.” 

Ash couldn’t handle that though. His eyes started to dampen and he had to set his jaw to keep the raw emotions he felt rising to the surface. He never wanted his own pleasure to come at the expense of Eiji’s pain. It was the one thing he had promised to himself would never happen. He felt a tear escape the corner of his left eye and run down his cheek. 

“Dont. Don’t say that. I hurt you, Eiji” He couldn’t accept it and the more that Eiji tried to show him that it was ok, the more it hurt. He was crying now and the tears were running down his face. Ash rubbed a sleeve across his face and exhaled loudly, bruskly dismissing his own emotions. Now was not the time for him to break down too. 

Eiji just shook his head and kissed Ash on the cheek gently, and then grasped his hand while snuggling closer to the blonde. “No, that was my father. You didn’t cause any of this.”

Ash sighed deeply and pulled Eiji closer, smothering him in a warm embrace and nesting his chin on the top of the other boy’s messy head of hair, breathing in the familiar scent to calm himself. 

“...is that who you thought you were with?” Ash asked quietly. 

“I thought I was back at my parent’s house. It was all so real.” Eiji sighed in frustration. He curled a fist into Ash’s chest. 

“That’s called a flashback. You relive a traumatic experience, and it feels completely real to you. In this case, it was triggered by you doing something sexual for someone else. So from now on, we’re not going to be doing any of that.” Ash closed his eyes, still treading water over the deep pool of shame that threatened to swallow him. 

“What if I don’t want to stop?” Eiji replied quickly.

“I just mean that you won't be doing anything like that until things get better. I can still do things for you, and we can still do this…” Ash reached down and pulled Eiji into a gentle kiss, cradling his cheek with one hand and the other still wrapped around his shoulder’s protectively. 

Eiji sighed and relaxed into the kiss. He didn’t like the idea of not being able to reciprocate Ash’s affection, but he didn’t want to go back to that place in his mind either. In that place he had no control, no protection, and no Ash. If not going back there meant he had to wait, then he would have to be patient. And most importantly, he would have to put more effort into recovering from this. He still didn’t understand just how messed up his mind was, but having an experience like this was proof that this was more serious than just a one time overreaction. Maybe Ash was right about this. 

They parted after a few moments and Ash planted another kiss on Eiji’s forehead, then lowered himself until he was looking straight into Eiji’s eyes. 

“Listen. I have all the patience in the world for you. I’m not going anywhere. I love you. If that means we have to wait, then we wait. I’m not with you for the sex, I’m with you because you’re what makes me whole.” 

Eiji felt tears welling up in his eyes again, and he wrapped his arms around the blonde’s shoulders and buried his head in the crook of the taller boy’s neck. “I love you too, Ash.” 

They stayed like this for a while, then re-situated on the couch. Ash leaning back into an armrest and Eiji laying on top of him, head resting on his chest. Ash turned on the TV and was flipping through channels while playing with Eiji’s hair. 

“Ash…”

“Yes?”

“Why don’t you have flashbacks when...you do things for me?” 

Ash continued stroking Eiji’s hair, twirling it around his fingers. He finally settled on a documentary about dolphins. “Mn...well when I was younger I did, at random times. But with the way my life was day to day, I got desensitized to all of it, I just shut down. Eventually they just stopped. But with you specifically, I could just never see it that way. I love making you feel good, making you happy.” 

“I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to do anything for me. If you never wanted to I would still love you, Ash.” 

“I know, and that’s one of the reasons I love you, Eiji.” Ash brought up one of Eiji’s hands that he had been holding and kissed it. “You don’t need anything from me, except my love. You're the only person in my life that’s never asked for anything from me.” 

“All I need is you, Ash.” 

“Mhm.” Ash mumbled into Eiji’s hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***CHAPTER 7 COMING SOON!!!***
> 
> This really hurt to write. But I really love that even after something like this, the boys can still make up. The trust they have in one another is heartbreakingly strong. Aiya I'm gonna cry again... <3 
> 
> Pretty please let me know what you think of this chapter! And if you have any requests for what gets covered in the next chapter, leave me suggestions in the comments, I will definitely reply! 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	7. Reveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Eiji contemplate the past, and their memories of a dearly cherished friend. Through this, Ash finds he can share some of his more raw emotions with Eiji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***HEADS UP!***
> 
> This chapter is a bit different from the rest. I wanted to give a little more insight into Ash's thoughts, as well as pay homage to what I think Ash's level of creativity would be.  
> This chapter is also shorter than the rest, and maybe could be considered a side shoot almost, though it does of course take place chronologically within this fic's timeline.
> 
> Please be gentle with me on this one, as things are painted in a more fanciful light.  
> Never fear! I shall be returning to the normal style next chapter.
> 
> Without further ado-here is my attempt at fluff....

Ash closed the door of the apartment behind him quietly and habitually secured both of the locks. He turned and at the same time, unwound the scarf from around his neck. It was still winter, and the chill from walking the streets for the past few hours had sunk into his bones. Ash kicked off his boots and hung up his coat, then silently padded his way into the living room. Eiji wasn’t there, and he felt a surge of anxiety. Ever since the day he had woken to find the other boy covered in blood in the bathroom, he still felt unsettled when he couldn’t get his eyes on Eiji immediately when he got home. He moved to walk towards the bedroom, the door was closed and he thought that maybe Eiji was taking a nap after work. 

The Lynx froze. A familiar scent assaulted his nostrils. There was no mistaking it. That was definitely weed. At first he was concerned, then he remembered Eiji’s last experience smoking weed and almost laughed audibly. How had Eiji managed to get his hands on some…? He gave an eye roll and smacked himself-one of his boys, probably Bones. _For fuck’s sake_. He had made his way over to the bedroom door and had one hand resting on the doorknob. He collected himself so as not to startle the more than likely very stoned Eiji. 

He and Eiji had sunk back into a more normal routine. Ash had started going out during the time that Eiji was at work, and taking care of business with the gang. They always had dinner together, and most often they ate breakfast together as well. It was domestic and relaxed, neither of them expected anything from the other except companionship, conversation, and comfort. It was helping-the stability and routine. Eiji was becoming engrossed in his work again, and seemed like he had regained the ability to focus. Having Ash openly express to him that there were no expectations for anything sexual last week had finally let him off the hook he had hung himself on without even seeming to have realized it. Ash had noticed the difference in his demeanor and was secretly over the moon about it. Any sort of steps in the right direction, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem to someone on the outside, brought him a sense of quiet accomplishment. 

Ash caught himself smiling ever so slightly as he reflected on these improvements. He shook his head and opened the door. The first thing he noticed was the open window, the second was the barely visible tuft of hair that was poking out from behind the bed. 

“Eiji, I’m back.” Ash announced his presence and made his way around the end of the bed.

He found a very happy looking Eiji sprawled out across a few pillows that he must’ve dragged down to the floor so he could be closer to the window. He looked up at Ash slowly, and the face that gazed up at him flashed a few emotions quickly after one another. The first was surprise, the second was concern, and the third settled on a sly little smirk that caused Ash’s heart to flutter in his chest. This little fox had thought he was sneaky, and had been caught red handed. 

“Oh.” Was all the older boy could manage. He stared up at Ash expectantly, waiting for what he must’ve thought would be some kind of chastising. 

Ash laughed softly and slumped down next to him on the pillows, ruffling Eiji’s already thoroughly mussed up raven hair. He raised an eyebrow at him. “You better plan on sharing that.”

Eiji gave Ash a owl-eyed stare, then after a long moment of him trying to comprehend what had just been said to him, he glanced down at the half smoked joint in his hand. “Mhm…” He said, nodding to himself as if in agreement, and then he passes Ash the joint ever so slowly. His hand extended and he focused intently on bridging the short distance, as if he was crossing the entire Atlantic ocean in a sailboat pushed by his fingers.

Aslan eyed the beautiful innocence that graced the features of his companion. It was almost as if some deity had traced Eiji’s spirit with a halo of purity. It was one of the things that he had noticed right away when they first met. The genuine love and affection he showed others was utterly novel to the Lynx. Something he’d never known in his life was pure intentions. But with Eiji, it was natural, there was nothing forced about it. This boy literally had not an evil bone in his body. 

The evening sun was dripping orange rays over the clouds beneath it, and the shades of tangerine and lavender mingled together on the curtains. They flapped in the slight breeze, and even though the air was cold, the warmth that readiated between the two of them was still enough to block out the chill. 

Ash’s fingers ran across the back of Eiji’s hand gently as he took the joint from him, tracing the bones and veins, akin to feeling the back of a maple leaf like a curious child. He caught Eiji’s heavy lidded eyes, but the sleepiness seemed to fade from his partner’s gaze as they locked eyes. 

Ash held the joint to one side, and took Eiji’s chin in his hand, pulling him close and slotting their lips together tenderly. It was slow and deep, there was only unconditional love in this space between them. There was only heat, and kindness, both darkness and light. But combined, they created a soothing balance, and an infinite spark they both knew would never dim. 

Eiji traced his fingertips across Ash’s cheekbones with a gentleness that made the blonde shiver. And Ash cradled the back of the other boy’s neck and supported him through the embrace, they both found their eyelids had closed in this blissful moment free of reality’s expectations. Here together it was just them, they needed nothing else. 

When they finally pulled apart, Ash caught the back of Eiji’s head in his palm and pulled their foreheads together, Eiji let himself be drawn close without an ounce of resistance.

“Here with you, all the other thoughts seem so far away. I can forget the past and live in the moment when I’m with you. I have a future to believe in now. And it’s all because of you, Eiji...I love you.” 

Eiji still had his eyes closed, but he opened them now, and they were glassy from the smoke and perhaps something else too. He reached up and gripped Ash’s hand. Then he leaned forward, catching the blonde by surprise, and placed his lips next to Ash’s ear. 

“You are my past, present, and future...Ash.” Eiji then kissed his cheek, and as he pulled away raced Ash’s jawline with his lips. 

Ash opened his mouth as if to speak, but all words and relevant responses had escaped him at the sensation of Eiji’s silky soft lips on his skin. Ash shivered involuntarily, and drew back to peer at the other boy, who was staring at him lovingly, with a contented expression written across his face, the corners of his mouth upturned. 

Eiji remained there for a moment, eyes staring deep into the green depths opposite him, then he lay back and stretched himself out on the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. He sighed softly, and it sounded satisfied. 

Ash scooted down next to him, still caught in his own thoughts. There was so much that he still found difficult to put into words. It wasn’t that he was bad at communicating, he was plenty intelligent enough to articulate his own thoughts. But there was just so much swirling up around in his skull lately. Pieces of the past, plans for the future, and general worry that sometimes threatened to overwhelm him. He knew what anxiety was, it was like an old friend, but he was usually too busy to acknowledge it. This made the complacency of his new everyday life very difficult at times to cope with. He had been focusing all of his attention on Eiji recently, but that only meant he was burying his own emotions. It was always easier to tend to other people’s problems than his own. 

Today Ash had spent the day out with his gang, staking out some territory that had been infringed upon by a rival group. The offending gang was small and was no trouble to handle overall, but it had brought some things back to the surface for him, and he didn’t really know what to do with these stray thoughts that kept swallowing him. Memories of the early days. Back with Shorter…

That cocky smile, the dorky shades, the callous attitude that was somehow still the most warm and inviting presence Ash had ever known before Eiji. 

_Shorter. Why did you have to go. You didn’t deserve the hand you were dealt._

“Ash...?” Eiji ran a hand through the blonde’s hair and let his fingers trail down Ash’s neck. There was gentle concern in his voice. 

Ash started out of his thoughts, the reverie fading as fast as it had come, but the image of a smiling Shorter still clung to his mind’s eye, the brilliantly purple mohawk swallowed by the darkness of his blinking eyelids. 

The Lynx turned his head to the side on the pillow, meeting Eiji’s gaze belatedly. He blinked a few more times and shook his head. “Yeah, sorry.” 

He remembered the joint still pinched between his fingers by the heat radiating from the still burning cherry. He pulled it up to his lips and took a few hits in quick succession, staring back up at the ceiling as he exhaled the plumes. The dappled fiery colors from the winter sun were throbbing against the white paint, making a moving mural for just tonight. 

Ash passed the joint, which Eiji took silently. 

The blonde put his arms behind his head and watched the colors morph and fade. He sighed. “Eiji...I’ve been thinking a lot about Shorter today, I can’t get his face out of my head. And I don’t want to. If I forget that face...if I forget his laugh, or the times we spent together, then I’m afraid that it’ll be as if he never existed in the first place.” He turned to watch as Eiji hit the joint, but his eyes almost seemed to stare right through him. “It’s like how they say ‘they’ll live on in our memories,’ but what if one day I forget to remember...then what?” 

Eiji paused, hand hovering a foot or so in the air as he watched the smoke spiraling from the end of the joint, only to be blown away by the chilly winter breeze. He finally turned to look at Ash, and the blonde was surprised to find the hint of a smile on his lips instead of sadness. 

“I don’t think that Shorter would want you to feel responsible for his memory. And if he existed anywhere it's not in your mind anyway, Ash. He’s in your heart. And he’s not going to be leaving there anytime soon.” Eiji hit the joint again then tried passing it back to Ash. 

Ash was frozen, completely taken aback by these words. Eiji tapped his shoulder with the offering hand. “Hm?” 

Ash started, and took it from him. Still a bit dumbstruck. Eiji had replied so easily. This was something new for Ash. First off having shared his emotions on something so difficult for him, but also hearing Eiji’s observations. Which were more insightful than he could have hoped for. Eiji really did know him so well, it was almost offensive to Ash how simple the response was, but not in a negative way. 

“...yeah…” Was all he could mumble back. 

Eiji scooted closer to him, so that their sides were touching, and then he flipped over so that he could drape an arm over the blonde and nuzzle his head into the crook under Ash’s chin. He looked up, taking in the distant expression on his partner’s face. 

“...Ash...you can talk about it, it's ok.” He traced circled across Ash’s chest through the thick sweater the blonde was wearing. 

Ash pulled an arm down to encircle Eiji around the waist, and pulled him closer. “I know.” He planted a quick kiss on Eiji’s head. “You know how it is, it's just hard.” 

“You could write it down.” Eiji replied after a moment of thought. 

Ash almost dropped the joint he was still holding in his other hand. “Uh…” He managed to keep it from hitting the rug. 

“Ash?” 

“Nothing...I just. Well I do write stuff down...sometimes.” 

Eiji snuggled closer to him. “What do you write about?” He whispered it, as if they were sharing secrets like two naive lovebirds. But it wasn't a demand, it was a gentle question meant to encourage the blonde. 

Ash knew this, but he still felt a wave of defensiveness crash through him, which he tried his best to dismiss. “It’s really just...emotions I guess.” 

Eiji nodded into his neck and squeezed him with the arm that was draped around his midsection. He seemed to know that it would be pushing for too much if he asked anymore questions so he remained silent and sought to comfort Ash through the physical contact between them. It was also becoming a necessary defense from the steadily dropping temperature of the wind that rustled the curtains. 

Ash pondered things quietly as he watched the joint slowly die out between his thumb and forefinger. Like a dying lantern in the now dark room. Today, as he had been posted up in an abandoned apartment building, waiting on a rival boss to meet him at a scheduled time, he had found himself putting words together. The emotions had consumed his thoughts, and he sought some way to give them form, give these raw feelings some kind of structure. 

The despair and abandonment he experienced in his childhood, the hopelessness of his time with Dino, the discovery of genuine friendship offered by Shorter and the gang, his first meeting with Eiji. All of these images and sensations had overlapped in his mind as if he was re-experiencing them, fresh and new, but bittersweet and riddled with a palpable sadness that had threatened to overwhelm every single one of his senses. 

So his mind constructed something more tangible. Something spoken, something real, with the only tools he could... 

_“The weight of undeserved love,_

_Chest asphyxiation numb,_

_Calligraphy upon the heart,_

_As tart plaintiffs unremarked._

_Handholds used but never cherished,_

_Softness felt but never earnest,_

_Bristling guardrails tarnish paint,_

_Broken bloody faucets taint_.

_Seeking empty unfelt space,_

_Over timely moments made,_

_Artistry within the hollow,_

_Caressed by nothingness still awake._

_Poignant simplicities layered together,_

_Piling sketches of mixed review,_

_Juxtaposed across a century,_

_Forgotten ashes concrete new.”_

Silence enveloped the room.

Ash closed his eyes, but that wouldn’t stop the tear that streaked down the side of his face, and landed on Eiji’s cheek. 

After what felt like an eternity, something moved next to him, and Ash opened his eyes to find Eiji propped up on one elbow, looking down at him with reddened eyes, whether it was Maryjane’s doing, or the shared memories welling up within the space between them, was unknown. 

“Beautiful.” Was all he said. 

Eiji then leaned down and kissed Ash like they had never kissed before, it was both deep and soft, sad and sweet, calm and tempestuous. Ash opened his arms and pulled Eiji so that he lay on top of him. They sought comfort in this embrace, comfort from the memories, shelter from the sorrow, and then that shining flicker of hope that brightened their now tear filled eyes. Neither could hold it in any longer, and they fell steadily. But there were no sobs, because this was the kind of crying that healed. 

Together they would heal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hides face in hands*
> 
> Well there it is, please let me know your thoughts on this one! Much love! <3 
> 
> (I wrote that poem and realized it was very relevant to this story line here and decided to include it, hope you guys don't mind me taking that liberty aiya :) 
> 
> ***CHAPTER 8 COMING SOON!!!***


End file.
